Broken, Beaten, and Clogged
by Raenar
Summary: Just when it seems like it'll be another typical day at the Garcias' Family Fiesta, Cell, Frieza, Zarbon and Broly "depart" from Hell! In a stunning turn of events, they reveal that they only want to hang out with the Sons and Briefs. Hilarity, sex scandals, fourth wall breaking and more will be told in this parody AU of the DBZ universe! CrackFic. Joke pairings.
1. MMMM Precious Food!

_**A/N: This story takes place after the Cell saga but before the Buu saga, during the 7 year gap. Gohan is 13 years old (This is going off of the fact Gohan was 9 during the Cell Games) and Goten is 3. The Buu saga is non-existent, however, Super Saiyan 3 is a known transformation (Goku is still the one that discovered it). This is a total Crackfic, so take nothing seriously. You'll notice I make fun of some tropes in the DBZ Fanfiction, and shit like GohanxCell, CellxTrunks and FriezaxGoku, which are utterly ridiculous pairings in my opinion.**_

_**I don't own Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball GT or anything like that, they all belong to Akira Toriyama, Toei, etc. I don't own any other characters that may be in this story, except some shitty OC's I might throw in for the laughs.**_

**"Speech"**

_**'Thoughts'**_

**(Author Comments)**

***Insert other shit like Saiyan Bonds here* = Any other bullshit I might come up with**

_ Chapter 1: MMMM Precious Food! Thanks Buddy!_

It's another typical day at the Garcias' Family Fiesta, all they ate were Bean Burritos and they clogged that shit up, it ain't going anywhere. Vegeta goes to use the downstairs washroom at Capsule Corporation after downing 22 milkshakes in one sitting with Goku. As he goes to turn the doorknob, a disgustingly green coloured gas cloud seeps from under the crack of the door. Vegeta's face quickly turns for the worse. Losing all colour, he collapses onto the floor and passes out after choking for air. Vegeta's hands and legs twitch for a moment before falling still.

"He dropped a bomb..." Vegeta managed to choke out before losing all of his remaining Oxygen.

The bathroom door creaked open and the culprit to the smell stepped out. Goku stood there, tall and strong, hands on his hips, he beamed as he looked around the room. Goku took a step forward only to crush Vegeta under his foot. He hears a crunching noise and then some gagging and looks down.

"Kakarot...ma bones" Vegeta cried.

"Oh, sorry Vegeta, what are you doing on the floor?" He didn't get a response.

"Well good luck with that." Goku said as he jumped over Vegeta and walked away, leaving his poor friend on the floor.

_Moments later_

Goku is sitting at the dinner table, eating an entire chicken by himself.

"Excuse me for a minute guys, I have to go to the washroom" Bulma said before excusing herself from the table.

Goku suddenly looked petrified, "What's wrong dear?" Chi-Chi asked.

"Uhhh...nothing". Goku quickly reassured her, although he himself was extremely worried.

Bulma walked down the hallway, arriving at the washroom, she looked down and then screamed at the top of her lungs. Vegeta was lying at her feet, his face corroded by some sort of acidic substance, fortunately, his hair was perfectly intact. After she calmed down, she looked into the washroom, and saw the cause of this great tragedy. There, seeping along the bathroom floor, was green clouds of poisonous bowel gases. Upon further inspection, Bulma could almost see demonic hands reaching out from the miasma towards her, like lost souls of the underworld.

"Back, you dirty apes! Back!" Bulma yelled before hitting the ditch button and running back upstairs.

"GOKUUU!" Bulma yelled, furious at what he had done to her washroom and Vegeta, mostly about the washroom though.

"Yes?" Goku timidly asked, hiding behind his wife.

"Did you clog the fucking toilet? You fucking shit like a horse!"

"Ahhhh...that was a goooooooood shit!" Goku exclaimed.

"You got a horse's ass on you. You go and unclog that right this instant!"

Sighing, Goku began walking towards where his devastation lay, an embarrassed Chi-Chi and furious Bulma following quickly behind him.

"FUCK HORSES!" Goku yelled.

Goku approached the toilet, it was quite the sight. The entire toilet was caked in shit, completely brown in colour. The sides of the toilet had fresh cracks and it was leaking at the bottom.

"Goku that is absolutely revolting!" Chi-Chi cowered away from the horrible sight.

"Just the sight of it causes me more pain than even Gohan's childbirth, and that was a lot of pain!" Suddenly, Goku stopped staring at the toilet and dramatically turned towards Chi-Chi with an evil glint in his eye.

"Bullshit, Chi-Chi, bullshit. I once ate a tray of 24 assorted muffins: blueberry, lemon poppy-seed, cranberry apple, banana nut, even bran. Large muffins too, like you'd buy at the bakery, not grocery store mini-muffins. I ate the first five or six out of hunger, and the next dozen I can only attribute to gluttony, but the last half dozen were devoured by determination alone. A part of me wanted to stop – I was full, the muffins had become repulsive, and there was a disconcerting pressure in my chest. The other, stronger part of me knew that if I gave up on that muffin platter I would admit limitation. A limited man can rationalize his every weakness, turn away from every challenge, live his life within the narrow confines of comfort; that's not how I live my life. But I digress. It took six days for my bowels to move, and when they did I shat a monolithic muffin block so wide it could not be flushed, so dense it would not dissolve with repeated flushing, and so heavy it took two hands to lift. The measure of anxiety, pain, pride and love is indescribable, so don't tell me I don't understand the pains of childbirth."

Complete silence surrounded the air, as Goku furiously glared into Chi-Chi's eyes. Bulma was absolutely speechless, she couldn't find an argument to be made against it. Finally, Bulma spoke, softly, quietly, barely audible compared to the intense emotions in the air.

"I'll get one of the worker droids I just finished building to clean the toilet."

"Ugh, whatever Goku! C'mon Bulma, let's get out of here." Bulma and Chi-Chi turned around and left the washroom, stepping over Vegeta's rotting corpse. As a last second thought, Chi-Chi turned around and slammed the door shut.

Goku scrunched his eyebrows together, "I'll never understand women."

Just as Goku was finishing that thought, Vegeta jumped up seemingly fully recovered.

"Kakarot! You 3'rd class scum! How dare you pollute my washroom like that! Prepare to die!" Vegeta lunged towards Goku.

Goku merely grinned, then placed his two fingers on his forehead. He IT'd (Instant Transmissioned) behind Vegeta, pushed him forward, and then dunked his head in the toilet.

"Kakarot what the-" Vegeta was cut off as his face was submerged.

"I'll teach you to call me 3'rd class scum!" Goku fiercely yelled as he grabbed the back of Vegeta's hair to lift him out of the toilet, then dunked him back in.

"When I get out of this you're fucking de-" Vegeta's head went back in.

"Blow it out your ass!" Goku yelled, then pulled Vegeta's head back out again.

"You piece of shit!" Vegeta responded, before getting dunked again.

"You're going to say sorry Vegeta, even if I have to hold you here all day!"

"Go fuck yourself! You-Mmhmfmmfppphh" Vegeta never got to finish his sentence.

_Meanwhile_

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" Cell screamed, throwing his cards to the floor before kicking them into the wind.

"What the hell was that for Cell?! That was our last deck of cards!" Frieza whined.

Cell abruptly turned around before huffing, "I can't stand it Frieza. I'm getting out of Hell, even if I have to beg Yemma."

Frieza stood up when he heard Cell, his eyes widened two-fold.

"C-C-C-Cell? Beg?"

Cell started walking away, "Yes, that's right, anything to get out of this miserable dump. Now leave me be, I'm going to speak to one of the ogres to see if I can talk to Yemma."

Once he had gotten a few steps away from Frieza, Cell jumped up and began flying to where the ogres congregated.

"Hah! As if I'd let you leave me here to rot, Cell! I'm coming!" Frieza talked himself before jumping up and following after him.

"Wait for me Lord Frieza!" Zarbon yelled as he followed behind Frieza.

_A few minutes later_

Broly was currently situated on a rock. In his time he'd spent in Hell he'd sort of mellowed out. He gave up being angry all the time because quite frankly, it was tiresome.

Broly heard the commotion and looked up, only to see Cell, Frieza, and Zarbon fly off. He decided to follow them.

"Anything's better than being stuck in here for all eternity" Broly mumbled.

_A few more minutes later_

After Cell "persuaded" one of the ogres to let him; Frieza, and Zarbon see Yemma, they were finally brought to the humongous leader of the ogres.

"Oh great, the four biggest rejects of the universe all here at once to see me, this outta be good." Yemma sarcastically stated, before resting his chin on one of his hands in frustration.

"What do you mean four?" Frieza asked.

Yemma simply pointed at the fourth figure amongst their group with his giant pen.

Everybody in the room turned to see Broly standing against one of the door frames with a pacified look on his face.

"What are you doing here monkey?!" Frieza bellowed, "I don't like it when random people trail behind me without permission!"

"Like you're one to talk Frieza, I didn't exactly invite you," Cell stated smugly.

"Shut up Cell! I wasn't talking to you."

Broly just shrugged and said, "I just came to see what you were all doing, that's all."

"Whatever, we're here to talk to Yemma, not him" Zarbon said.

The four villains then turned their attention back to Yemma. Cell then stepped forward and put a serious look on his face, as if he was choosing his next words carefully. After a few seconds his face just contorted, he looked like he was about to cry.

"Yemma!"

"That's King Yemma to you," an ogre corrected.

"King Yemma! I ask that you let us out of Hell and back to the living world! We've behaved quite well since we've been in Hell, and quite frankly the years spent down there have made us lose our drive to do evil. We want to reconcile with the Z-Fighters, all of my cohorts feel the same." Cell looked expectantly at the other 3 Hell-goers, who all nodded.

"Hmmmmmm...I instantly believe you! You're free to go." Yemma stated simply, before reaching into his desk and pulling out the 4's afterlife files, stamping a 'RELEASED' mark on all of them. All four of their halos disappeared from above their heads.

"Thanks Yemma! You were always my favorite ogre." Frieza politely said, before bowing.

"Let's get out of here and live happy lives on Earth!" Frieza, Zarbon, and Broly put their hands on Cell's shoulders before he IT'd out of the checkout station.

A few seconds passed before Yemma returned to his work as if nothing had happened.

_Meanwhile_

"Kakarot, I'm going to kill you in your sleep!" Vegeta practically spat before getting his head dunked into the toilet water again. His face and hair were now totally soaked, his skin had began to wrinkle from the prolonged exposure to the shit water, and his hearing was off because of the shit water constantly going in and out of his ears.

"Keep telling yourself that Vegeta"

Suddenly, Cell, Frieza, Zarbon and Broly all IT'd right next to Goku.

"Hello Goku, how are you on this fine day?" Cell asked, as if they were old chums.

Goku pulled Vegeta's head out of the toilet for a brief second, before dunking him again. Without turning around he responded: "Not too bad. How about you?"

"Well we just got out of Hell and were wondering if we could hang with you for a bit?"

"We?" Goku asked, as he turned his head to look at the motley group.

"Frieza, Zarbon, Broly? It's nice to see all of you again! Sure you can hang out with us!" Goku said, before continuing, "I was just dunking Vegeta because he was making fun of my ranking in our all-but-extinct race again." Goku stated matter-of-factly.

Cell watched as Goku flushed the toilet while Vegeta's face was submerged, "Fascinating."

Although Frieza was quite entertained by what was transpiring, he wanted to see what Earth had to offer for entertainment (other than destroying things, as he knew that would get him sent back to Hell). So once the sounds of the toilet refilling itself had ceased, he asked: "So Goku, do you think you could give us a tour of Earth? Show us the sights?"

"The sights? Why, of course Frieza! Why didn't I think of that?" Goku stood up, leaving Vegeta in the toilet bowl. He turned to leave, but then remembered something. He looked back towards Vegeta.

"Now Vegeta, don't go anywhere, I'll be back soon!" Goku finished, then turned back to the ex-villains. "Now let's make a quick pit-stop at my house so I can get something to eat!"

All four IT'd out of Capsule Corp. Chi-Chi had long since left to go back home, figuring Goku was sparring with Vegeta or something (how wrong she was).

When they landed in front of the Son's family home, Goku turned back to the four misfits.

"Hey, I know Cell knows Instant Transmission, but when did you three learn how to use it?" Goku asked.

"Well we all immediately learned it for the sake of the plot because the author is too lazy to constantly have to write about how we all put our hands on Cell's shoulders." Broly's monotone voice stated.

Frieza quickly added in, "But to make sure nobody complains, we'll just say we learned it from being constantly exposed to it, good enough?"

"I don't care either way I was just wondering" Goku said before turning around and opening the door to his home. He let Cell and his motley gang go through before closing the door.

"Hey Chi-Chi! I'm home! Oh and we have some guests!" Goku yelled.

"Good thing I made extras, can you call Gohan and Goten down for lunch?" Chi-Chi yelled back.

"Cell, go and get Gohan and Goten," Goku asked as he walked into the living room to sit down.

Cell turned to Frieza, "Frieza, go and get Gohan and Goten," he then followed Goku.

Frieza then turned to Zarbon, "Zarbon, go and get Gohan and Goten," he then followed Cell.

Zarbon finally turned to Broly, "Broly, go and get Gohan and Goten," he then followed Frieza.

Broly shrugged and started walking up the stairs. He turned to what he assumed was Gohan's bedroom. Broly leaned his hands against the door and broke it down.

"What the fuck!?" Gohan yelled as he turned to look at Broly.

"Lunch is ready" Broly said as he robotically turned around to go find Goten's room.

Gohan just continued to stare at the now vacant door frame, "I'm not even going to think about that." He walked out of his room and as a second thought, turned around and fixed the door.

Broly repeated the same procedure with Goten's room, then walked back downstairs and joined

Cell, Frieza, Zarbon, and Goku on the couch.

"Uncle Broly sure is weird" Goten said before running down the stairs for lunch.

Goku was flipping through the channels on the TV, having asked Cell to place his head on top of it so that his helmet's long pointed ends could act as pseudo-antennae.

"Why am I stuck as the antennae?" Cell angrily asked.

"Sshhhh...shut the fuck up for a second! I just want to see what's on the Fighting Channel, I missed it earlier because I was dunking Vegeta!" Goku quickly blurted out before turning his attention back to the TV screen.

On the TV screen, Chuck Norris about to 1vs1 Fat Albert, it was supposed to be the greatest match in the history of all fighting!

"ERRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHH" Fat Albert grunted, staring at Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris simply stood there, smirking confidently. The wind blew by, chillingly adding ambiance to the fight. Suddenly, both fighters lunged at each other! They both began exchanging blows. Fat Albert managed to get Chuck Norris in a sleeper hold, Chuck struggled to get free.

"Haha Chuck! I Wiki'd all the facts about you! There's no way you can win!"

"Did you ever think...that the Wiki lies?" Chuck responded, before getting out of the hold. He threw Fat Albert into the air and roundhouse kicked him in the stomach. The kick further propelled Albert into the air before he suddenly imploded. Nothing was left of Fat Albert but a faint puff of smoke where the explosion was.

"Chuck Norris, win!" the Announcer announced.

"Yesssssssssssss! I knew it! Piccolo owes me $20!" Goku practically screamed. He started jumping around and did a victory dance.

Cell stood back up, watched Goku for a few seconds then said: "Calm down, calm down! Don't get a big DICK!"

Goku took Cell's advice, he sat back on the couch. Cell was about to say something else when Chi-Chi yelled from outside, "Lunch is ready! It's all setup out here on the picnic table!"

"Whoo-hoo!" Goku ran outside. The others followed behind him. Gohan and Goten were already sitting at the picnic table with Chi-Chi.

"Hmmm...so this is what Earth food looks like" Frieza said as he picked up an egg roll, examining it like it was some sort of lab specimen.

Rather than let the subject continue on about food, Gohan decided to drop the big question, "So how did you four get out of Hell anyway? I see you all don't have your halos either."

Zarbon looked up from his food, "Well Gohan, Cell had the brilliant idea of asking Yemma if we could leave, he instantly agreed it would be the best course of action because we've been good little boys."

"An interesting story," Gohan said as he returned to wolfing down his food.

"Well Gohan, if you prefer me to be a bad boy, I'd happily oblige" Gohan looked up again as Zarbon finished. Zarbon looked Gohan straight in the eye and wiggled his eyebrows up and down as he seductively dipped a french fry in some ketchup and put it in his mouth, slowly chewing it.

"Is it just me or is it getting hot out here?" Broly asked, catching on to Zarbon's movements.

_'Cursed Zarbon! Gohan was supposed to be mine and mine alone! Hmm...I wonder how open Gohan would be to a threesome...'_ Cell thought, as he began eating an egg roll.

"I think those two might need some alone time to...'get to know each other'" Frieza said as he put a whole corn dog into his mouth. As he slid the corn dog out of his mouth to dip it back in his ketchup/mustard mix, Goku snickered.

"What's so funny, monkey?"

"Oh nothing, I just love the way you work that corn dog Frieza."

"How dare you! I'll shove my corn dog right down your-" Frieza stopped himself mid sentence as he realized what he was saying. Cell began choking on his egg roll in laughter. As Cell's face began to turn purple, Gohan leaped to his rescue. He performed the Heimlich maneuver. When Cell was able to get his breathing under control, he thanked Gohan and sat back down.

Chi-Chi just stared incredulously at the scene as Frieza said, "I suppose the author made Cell choke on his food in order to further him and Gohan's romantic feelings for one another."

Cell was quick to deny such a statement, "I do not have feelings for Gohan! That was just a short stint after he gave me a real good pounding during the Cell Games!"

"A real good pounding eh?" Zarbon said.

"Yeah the way he fisted my gut felt unreal" Cell reminisced.

Everybody just sat silently at the table, staring at Cell as he seemed to get lost in his own fantasies about him and Gohan. Zarbon's mouth hung agape. Personally, Goku saw this relationship as pretty fucked up. I mean come on, Cell was a bio-mechanical android, how could him and Gohan even do anything...?

Just as the scene was about to hit its peak in awkwardness, Vegeta IT'd on top of the picnic table with a record player and began singing to Goku.

"GOKU I CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE..."

As Vegeta finished his corny/beautiful rendition of that song, he tossed a bundle of roses to Goku, who promptly caught it. Vegeta bent down to look Goku straight in the eyes. Time seemed to stop as they looked into each others' eyes, Goku finished what Vegeta sang "What started out as friendship, has grown stronger...I only wish I'd had the strength to let it show...Vegeta..." Vegeta slammed his fist down onto the record player, smashing it into dozens of pieces as he picked Goku up. "Kakarot, you're coming with me." He began to fly away, when suddenly a hand grabbed the back of his shirt, stopping him.

"Virginia! You shall never take Kaka-krabby-patty away from me! He's mine!" Frieza bellowed, standing on top of the table where Vegeta had been. As Vegeta turned around, Frieza pointed at him dramatically.

"Well then Freezie-pop, we shall fight for the right to Goku's heart!" Vegeta proclaimed as he slowly put Goku on the ground.

Frieza jumped down from the table and faced Vegeta. They silently watched each other for a few seconds as some tumbleweed bounced by. Zarbon was biting his nails at the tension. Cell stoically looked on at the two fighters. Broly watched the confrontation, he didn't seem to care who won, he was only disappointed that he ran out of food to eat.

Vegeta made the first move. Jumping to Super Saiyan 2 immediately, he afterimaged towards Frieza. Vegeta made a swift kick towards Frieza's neck, intending to end the fight quickly, only Vegeta's foot met with air as Frieza moved out of the way. As Vegeta whipped around, Frieza kicked him in the stomach, sending him plummeting into the forest. Vegeta quickly recovered, and flew back up to level himself with Frieza in the air.

"Well Virginia I see you're as pathetic as ever," Frieza stated, contorting his face into a wick grin.

Vegeta was in slight disbelief, "How did you get this strong Freezie-pop?"

Frieza closed his eyes and shrugged as he said; "Cell and I were quite bored in Hell, so we trained oft-ah fuck it. We all know that's total bullshit. I was powered up so that I would provide a meaningful fight scene to this shit before the next chapter."

"Hmmm fair enough, however, it's time I show you my TRUE power!" As Vegeta spoke those very (very) foreign words, everybody collectively gasped.

"Has he really found a way to surpass a Super Saiyan 2?!" Piccolo said to nobody in particular, as he was meditating by himself on top of the Lookout.

_'Well we already used that dialogue when I first transformed into a Super Saiyan 3 in front of everybody, so he's probably going to do the same'_ Goku smirked at his own foolproof logic.

"NOW IT'S TIME FOR AN UNNECESSARILY LONG GRUNTING SEQUENCE FREEZIE-POP!" Vegeta yelled as he began to power up.

Cell gasped as Vegeta had forgotten a **very** important detail, "Don't forget random quips from King Kai and Korin!"

"Right, how could I forget that?" Vegeta thanked Cell.

"URURRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" Vegeta began yelling. The Earth started to shake dramatically as all of the dishes from their lunch picnic began to fall off of the table.

"Oh no! The Earth is going to blow!" Yelled King Kai.

"Hmm...Vegeta is quite strong, I wonder what Frieza will do...?" Wondered Korin, as he looked down upon the fight.

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Vegeta continued to yell and grunt.

In a sudden blast of light and energy, Vegeta emerged, a fully fledged Super Saiyan 3.

"No way!" yelled Goku.

"Incredible!" yelled Zarbon.

"Unreal!" yelled Gohan.

"Holy moly!" yelled Goten.

"Hmm..." Cell wondered to himself.

"Wow, Vegeta's hair is unbelievable!" yelled Chi-Chi.

"Damn, why am I stuck saying something last? There's nothing left to say." Broly grumbled, as he kicked some dirt in frustration.

Feeling pity for Broly, Goku tried to suggest to him a line, "Why don't you just say something like, 'Vegeta's power level just skyrocketed!' or 'Frieza doesn't stand a chance now!' or something like that?"

Broly smiled at Goku's suggestion "Thanks Kaka-carrot-cake, not a bad idea!" he then cleared his throat and said, "Wow! Vegeta's power level just skyrocketed!" Everybody clapped at Broly's originality at remarking about Vegeta's power level.

"Well monkey, not a bad power up, but I'm afraid it won't be enough to beat me!" Frieza said confidently.

Vegeta laughed at Frieza's foolishly placed confidence "Why's that Freezeria, what do you have to say about it?"

Frieza paused for a minute and stared at Vegeta dramatically, Vegeta, catching on to what Frieza was doing, stared back. About five minutes passed before Frieza said "It's time to show you that just because you're a Super Pooper Scooper 3, doesn't make you invincible!" Frieza then clenched his hands into fists, and put his arms at his side as he bent over and began grunting. "Now...pay attention! I'm going to transform, Virginia!"

Everyone dramatically gasped at such a statement.

"Has he really found a way to surpass his Fourth Form?" Piccolo once again asked nobody in particular, as he was still sitting on the Lookout alone.

"URURURUURURUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Frieza began yelling, his grunting sequence much less time consuming than Vegeta's. As he finished transforming, he stood up fully to his new height. He now stood about half a foot higher than his previous form, having gained some sort of bone mask to encase his mouth in (I'm not going to sit here and describe this shit, he looks just like Cooler's final form). Once again, everybody dramatically gasped at what Frieza had transformed into, his power level had shot through the roof!

"No way!" yelled Goku.

"Incredible!" yelled Zarbon.

"Unreal!" yelled Gohan.

"Holy moly!" yelled Goten.

"Hmm..." Cell once again wondered to himself.

"Wow, Frieza's face is unbelievable!" yelled Chi-Chi

Broly, having been stuck saying something last again, prepared himself for this moment "UrrrrgghhhhhRRRRAAAAA" Broly simple grunted at Frieza's new found strength.

Again everybody clapped for Broly, who had very impressive grunting skills.

"No! This can't be!" Vegeta yelled. "Prepare to die Freezerinia, I'm not holding back anymore!" Vegeta shot towards Frieza, they began an all out brawl. It seemed evenly matched, until Vegeta landed a glancing blow on Frieza's cheek. That's all the opportunity Vegeta needed as he began to mercilessly beat on Frieza's midsection. After finishing his flurry of attacks, Vegeta kicked Frieza back towards the ground, then followed up with a full-power energy wave, causing a massive explosion. It took him a minute, but Frieza was able to stand back up, mostly unharmed by Vegeta's attack. Frieza IT'd behind Vegeta and pummeled him in the back before Vegeta could react. Frieza then grabbed Vegeta's arm to anchor him, as he punched Vegeta across the face and chest before finally letting him go and firing a small Supernova at him. The resulting explosion was massive, and when the smoke cleared, Vegeta was panting. Super Saiyan 3 began to take its toll on his energy reserves, and when his rage hit its peak, something happened to Vegeta.

"I WON'T LOSE FRIEZA! I WON'T!" Vegeta began powering up even further, his body began to glow. In a blinding flash of light, Vegeta was transformed. Everyone had to cover their eyes from the sheer brightness. Slowly, Vegeta's body parts began to emerge from the light; first his legs, then his arms, then finally, his chest and head. Vegeta now only wore a pair of tight fitting jeans (and his shoes), no shirt. His chest was covered in red fur, and his hair had grown to right below his shoulders. He also had red eyelids now. He had become...a Super Saiyan 4!

"What the fuck kind of transformation is THAT!" Yelled Cell, furious at the fact an element of Dragon Ball GT had leaked into a Dragon Ball Z Fic.

Goku nodded at Cell's sentiment and decided to voice his opinion, "Yea! What he said! We don't want this shit! Transform again Vegeta!"

"Fine! I didn't like GT anyway." Vegeta began grunting as he surrounded himself in an aura. His muscles bulged for a second and the subsided a bit, his clothes magically returned as he was once again surrounded in blinding light. When the light subsided, he was transformed again! His appearance was similar to SS4, except without the bullshit. His hair was blue, no random monkey fur, his body was less muscular, and he gave off a blue aura.

"I am now...a Super Saiyan 6!" Vegeta yelled triumphantly.

"What happened to Super Saiyan 5?" Frieza asked innocently.

"Nobody talks about that, Vegeta made the right choice skipping that" Broly said.

Vegeta looked on as everyone began discussing this revelation. "Enough! I plan to finish this fight with Frieza before the end of this chapter! Let's go Freezie-pop!"

Vegeta, with his new totally bullshit Super Saiyan form, and Form Five Frieza clashed once again. All that could be heard was thundering claps as they moved faster than the eye could see, only reappearing when their fists or legs clashed against one another. The fight peaked when both Frieza's and Vegeta's fists clashed against each others' faces.

Frieza wiped some blood from his cheek with the back of his hand, then looked at Vegeta "Not bad monkey, but I think it's time we wrapped up this fight so we can end this chapter." Vegeta's only acknowledgment was a nod as they clashed once again. The fight seemed like it would never end, as each fighter's powers were evenly matched. In a final decisive move Frieza pimp slapped Vegeta so hard he was spun around, he then created a small triangular blade of Ki and thrust it into Vegeta's back. Vegeta was immediately de-powered and he fell to the ground with a resounding 'thud'.

Cell decided to voice his opinion first, "Well that was pretty anti climatic." Everyone was quick to agree with his sentiment.

"Well then, I suppose I alone can hold Goku's heart! Hahahaha!" Frieza smirked as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Or I would, if I was even remotely interested in becoming romantically involved with Goku! Hahaha!"

Broly looked at Frieza "Why would you voluntarily fight Vegeta if you weren't even interested in Goku?"

"Simple, I was just looking for a reason to get back at Virginia for his insubordination on Namek!" Frieza finished before sitting at the table. Chi-Chi had just finished setting up a second helping for everybody.

Vegeta got up and went to fly away before Goku smiled at him and yelled "Hey Vegeta! There's room for one more if you'd like!"

_**Will Vegeta take up Goku's offer and eat lunch with him, his family, and the ex-villains? Will Cell come out of the closet and admit his undying love for Gohan? Will Frieza ask Goku out now that he has won his heart? Will Zarbon eat more french fries seductively? Will Broly become a meaningful character in this story? Does anybody even give a shit about any of these questions? Find out next time, on the next exciting chapter of Broken, Beaten, and Clogged!**_


	2. Raggle Fraggle!

_** Lions Are Amazing: Hah! Thanks for the review/favourite/follow! The 'Muffin Scene' actually isn't a TFS reference! Though now that I think about it, because of the muffin button gag, I can see where you're coming from. Expect tons more 4'th wall breaking! I like to poke fun at the tropes in DBZ Fanfiction, like people randomly forgetting important plot details and accepting things like Cell becoming a good guy really quickly, etc etc.**_

_** TheBurgerSnatcher Thanks for the review/favourite! I'm glad I didn't disappoint your expectations! Here's hoping you find Chapter 2 even more funny than the last!  
**_

_**A/N: Just thought I'd mention that little Trunks does not appear in this story, he was born and all of that, but the only Trunks you'll be hearing from is Future Trunks.**_

_**I don't own Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball GT or anything like that, they all belong to Akira Toriyama, Toei, etc. I don't own any other characters in this story, except some shitty OC's I might throw in for the laughs.**_

**"Speech"**

_**'Thoughts'**_

**(Author Comments)**

***Insert other shit like Saiyan Bonds here* = Any other bullshit I might come up with**

_**On the last chapter of Broken, Beaten, and Clogged, Virginia and Freezie-pop got into a real big tussle over Goku's heart, when Frieza won, he declared he did not have feelings for Goku! In a stunning turning of events, Goku asks Vegeta if he'd like to stay and eat lunch with the rest of the Sons and the Ex-villains! Will Vegeta take Goku up on his offer? Find out on this chapter of Broken, Beaten, and Clogged!**_

_ Chapter 2: Raggle Fraggle!_

Everyone stared expectantly at Vegeta, waiting for his response. Vegeta contemplated greatly on this subject, after all, it could change the way this Fanfiction unfolds! (doubt it)

"Very well Kakarot, I'll eat some lunch with all of you."

"Aw yea! Nice choice Vegeta! Now let's dig in for lunch part 2!" Goku exclaimed, before stuffing his face full.

The meal went on without incident, so we're just going to time skip because it wouldn't be much of a story without action, right?

_A few hours later_

Everybody had gathered around as they watched a familiar time machine land in Goku's backyard. The egg shell designed top opened up and Future Trunks jumped out. Trunks looked towards the group with surprise, he recognized 2 new faces and saw 2 more he didn't recognize. As Trunks finished examining the group, Android 18 also jumped out of the time machine and stood next to him.

"Hey guys, it's been a while," Trunks said as he put on his best smile.

Goku quickly ran up to him to shake his hand, "Hey Trunks, it has been a while! Is the future in trouble again? Hehehe..."

"No don't worry about that Goku, I just decided to come back to the past because the plot demanded that my mom kick the bucket."

"I see, well Trunks aren't you going to introduce us to your new friend?" Goku asked, looking towards Android 18.

Trunks also glanced at her, then turned back to Goku, "Well when I went back to the future (haha) I defeated Android 17 and Cell no problem. I decided that because Android 18 had killed everyone I had ever known and loved, and had massacred my home planet, that I should instantly fall in love with her and forget everything she ever did."

Frieza grinned at this statement, "Seems perfectly plausible to me!"

Trunks scrunched his eyebrows together at Frieza's statement, and started thinking.

_'Did I possibly screw up this time-line when I went back to the past to change it? Is that why Frieza and Cell are still alive somehow?'_

Cell quickly caught on to the look on Trunks' face "Trunks; Frieza, Zarbon, Broly and I are all alive because we asked King Yemma to let us out of hell. We're all good guys now, don't worry!"

Trunks' face brightened up at Cell's sentiment, "Even though you killed me, I'm going to conveniently forget that and all of the other horrors you ever committed so we could possibly explore a romantic future with one another."

Cell simply nodded and smiled.

"Well anyway, Goku, I introduced you to Android 18, would you mind introducing me to these two?" Trunks pointed to Zarbon and Broly.

Goku turned around and looked at the two new members Trunks was pointing to, "Yea, Zarbon is an old henchman of Frieza, he's the one with the green hair and skin. Broly is a Saiyan, the Legendary Super Saiyan to be exact. He hated me for his entire life because of something really trivial but we've become friends now!"

Broly decided to pipe up because the introductions were taking too long and this chapter isn't getting anywhere, "Hey you guys, we should really move the plot along, let's all start hanging out OK?"

Everyone quickly agreed at Broly's statement. But the question still remained, where would they go to hang out? Fortunately, Cell was with them and, being a bio-mechanical android, he was quick to think up an idea. "I say we all head to an amusement park!"

Zarbon's face immediately lit up at that idea, he'd always wanted to go to an amusement park with Lord Frieza! "Yes that's a great idea! But the problem is...we don't have any money to get in." Everyone's faces collectively sunk at those words.

But then Vegeta suddenly remembered a tiny important detail! "Hah! I'm the husband of Bulma Briefs, the richest woman in the world! We can pay to get into any park we want no problem! Or even buy the park!"

_One quick stop at Capsule Corporation later_

The whole gang (except for Android 18 who decided to stay at home and talk to Chi-Chi) stood outside of the fanciest amusement park ever made. It was one of the oldest parks on Earth, having been built where a farmland used to be. Its main attraction, a huge roller coaster, was built with a barn motif; the riders would be taken through twists and turns throughout, there was even an upside down sequence. In honour of their greatest success, the amusement park was called The Bargain Barn.

In order to blend in with their surroundings and come off as regular Earthlings, Cell and Frieza had to wear disguises. Frieza wore a simple baseball cap on top of his head. Cell's disguise had to be a bit more complex because all Earthlings would immediately recognize him otherwise; he wore a crudely fitting T-Shirt (due to his really weird body shape) that had letters printed on the back that said: 'I'm not Cell!' In addition, he wore a foam hand on his right hand that had 'Earth is #1!' printed on it, nobody would recognize him with this clever disguise! So off our heroes went to enjoy their day at The Bargain Barn, the group had collectively agreed to meet at the entrance of the park at 7:00PM. Everyone went their separate ways in order to get on their favourite rides.

Trunks and Cell had decided to travel together due to Cell's unfamiliarity with amusement parks.

Frieza and Goku had decided to walk around the park together so they could catch up. They hadn't spoken to one another in quite a while and besides, Goku wanted to get something to eat. Since he knew Frieza wouldn't care if they spent all of their time eating instead of going on any rides, Goku did just that. Zarbon and Gohan had decided to go together, Zarbon wanted to 'get to know Gohan better'. Finally, Broly and Vegeta were travelling together because Broly wanted to hear about his people's history (that's what he told them anyway).

Cell had just finished picking up some cotton candy for him and Trunks, he handed Trunks his stick.

"Here's your shit, on a stiiick!" Cell said. Trunks just glared at Cell. Cell cleared his throat and decided to change the subject, "So Trunks, how's the future been treating you? Did you tie up all those loose ends and such?" Cell asked as he bit down on his candy. They began walking aimlessly around the park because neither knew the others' tolerance for thrill rides.

Trunks got in line for 'Grimace's Obode' a very famous roller coaster, it was famous for the majority of it being underground. Trunks motioned for Cell to join him in line as he answered his question.

"Yea, I came back from the past, killed Android 17, made up with Android 18, killed your future self, then travelled back to the past after I found out my mom was dead." Thus, Cell and Trunks stood in line, nothing else of any importance happening...for now...so let's go check on the others.

_Meanwhile with Zarbon and Gohan_

"So Gohan, I was thinking we should take that love tunnel ride!" Zarbon exclaimed, motioning Gohan to look to their right.

Gohan seemed torn, he liked the heart shaped love boats, but he also liked bumper carts. "I dunno Zarbon, I was thinking we could go on the bumper carts first!"

Zarbon gave it some thought _'I suppose I wouldn't mind bumping with Gohan for a bit...hehehe'_

Zarbon smirked at his ability to twist everything into something lewd, "Alright Gohan you win, let's go knock ourselves silly." Zarbon quickly shoved them into the line, managing to get ahead of some people because of his strength. As they got in line, Zarbon hooked his hand into Gohan's. Gohan turned and looked at Zarbon questioningly.

"Don't worry Gohan, we should hold hands so we don't lose each other." Zarbon said as he licked his sultry lips. Gohan's naivety shined through as he smiled at Zarbon's seemingly kind gesture.

"Good idea Zarbon!" They too began standing in line without much of an incident.

_Meanwhile with Broly and Vegeta_

Broly and Vegeta were currently seated in a Ferris wheel ride. It had been 10 minutes since they climbed in, and the ride still hadn't start up!

"Hey! Faggoty Andy!" Vegeta pointed at the ride's technician. The startled tech looked up at Vegeta's outburst.

"Start the damn ride already! We don't got all day!"

The technician winced at Vegeta's tone, but he decided to reason with him, "Sorry buddy, but there just aren't enough riders yet, we can't start without a certain number of people on the ride!"

"Buddy?! Buddy?! How dare you call me buddy! I am Vegeta! The prince of ALL Saiyans! Never forget your place you filthy maggot! Now start the damn ride! I command you!"

Fearing for his life, the technician complied. The Ferris wheel started to turn, slowly.

"See Broly? Sometimes a bit of assertiveness goes a long way! Never forget this important information! It also helps to be the prince of all Saiyans, of course."

_Meanwhile with Frieza and Goku_

Frieza and Goku were sitting at a table, Goku had been helping himself to a generous amount of food for the past half an hour. Things seemed to be going smoothly until somebody tripped over Frieza's tail that was sitting on the ground.

"Hey freak! Isn't it a bit early for Halloween? Keep your shitty tail to yourself!"

Frieza turned around to face the Earthling who dared shit talk his tail. It was some fat ass guy who looked like he weighed about 500 pounds. He had long, greasy, sausage-like fingers and wore an XXXL T-Shirt that said "I'm not fat, I'm just big boned!" He wore a sun cap on top of his head and a fanny pack around his waist.

"What was that you pathetic gnat? I'm Lord Frieza! The most powerful space tyrant who has ever lived!" Frieza said as he stood up to face the antagonist.

The fat tub of lard got up into Frieza's face and pointed a dirty finger towards his nose as he said, "Yea, and I'm the king of England! Go back to cosplaying on TV you fucking butt munch." The asshole laughed as he started walking away.

Frieza's anger rose to new heights as he muttered "I'm seriously hitting my boiling point here, John!"

A crowd began to gather at the spectacle, waiting to see what would transpire. In one swift motion Frieza jumped in front of the offender and pulled out his Knuckle Blaster Stun Gun, he bellowed "RAGGLE FRAGGLE!" as he jumped towards the guy and applied 950,000 volts of electricity to the asshole's right nipple, instantly incapacitating him. The nameless jerk hit the ground harder than a fat kid on a jungle gym as Frieza jumped on top of him and expelled a feral scream,

"AAAAAUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRR GO YANK YOUR COCK THROUGH YOUR ASS YOU PIECE OF SHIT! ALL THOSE WHO DISRESPECT LORD FRIEZA WILL BE MET WITH THE SAME FATE!"

All spectators in the vicinity immediately ran for the hills, hoping to get as far away as possible from the deranged lunatic. Frieza was not going to have any of it though, he clenched both of his hands into fists and, raising his arms to his sides he initiated the Helicopter Spin technique. Everyone caught in Frieza's path were electrocuted and thrown away as he became a spinning wheel of death! As Goku watched incredulously at the scene unfolding in front of him, he decided to stop things before they escalated too far.

Goku let the awe-inspiring scene unfold for a few more seconds before yelling, "Hey! Frieza! I got some corn dogs over here! Come get some quick before I eat them all!" Goku proceeded to stuff a whole corn dog into his mouth to make good on his threat.

"I'm coming!" Frieza yelled back as he immediately stopped his rampage and ran back to their table. He sat down and grabbed the plate full of corn dogs, putting them onto his side of the table. He was about to pick one up when he remembered he had no ketchup or mustard!

"I'll be right back Goku, if you dare touch anymore of these I'm going to ram my fist so far up your ass you won't be able to shit for a week!" Frieza clenched his hand into a fist and made thrusting motions to demonstrate what he meant.

Goku raised his eyebrows, thinking about the sexual connotations coming from Frieza's demonstration before he quickly waived his hands in front of his face to reassure Frieza. "I'm not sure I can take that as a threat Frieza, but I promise I won't eat them!" Satisfied with his answer, Frieza stormed off to the concession stand to pick up some ketchup and mustard.

_Back with Zarbon and Gohan_

"Now prepare yourself!" Zarbon yelled as he thrust with all of his might.

"AAUUURRGHHHHH" Gohan yelled as Zarbon managed to hit his vital areas.

"I can't take much more of this Zarbon!"

"I know, just hold out for a little bit longer! Here I come!" Zarbon yelled as he finished Gohan off.

They were playing 'Guilty Street Beaters XXX#Reload Version 6.0' on an arcade machine (What? What did you think they were doing? Fucking sickos). Zarbon had just beaten Gohan's character to a bloody pulp, declaring him the winner! They were currently entertaining themselves in the arcade section of The Bargain Barn, having decided to wait until the love tunnel's line was a bit shorter before they queued. After they finished exchanging their tokens for a few menial prizes, they decided to leave the arcade. As they stepped outside, both stopped suddenly as their eyes widened at the scene in front of them.

Piccolo had suddenly landed in the amusement park, he was currently looking for Gohan. When he detected his energy signal, Piccolo turned his head to see if he was correct. Piccolo turned back around and yelled out to everyone in the area, "Hey everyone! I'm turning around! Duck!" Just as Piccolo finished yelling, everyone obeyed and ducked, he turned left and his humongous dang-a-lang flew over everyone's heads as he swung around.

"There you are Gohan! I've been looking for you all day!" Piccolo said as he strolled up to Gohan.

Gohan walked up to Piccolo with a big grin plastered on his face, "Hey Piccolo! What's up? Is something wrong?"

Piccolo stared at Zarbon for a second as Zarbon walked up to stand next to Gohan before he turned his attention back to his ex-student, "Don't worry, it's nothing too important. I was just wondering what you all were doing, and why these four were out of hell."

Zarbon just smiled and responded "King Yemma let us out for good behaviour." Zarbon continued, "Hmm...I don't remember you, what's your name?"

"The name's Piccolo, I was one of the fighters on Namek, though you never met me."

Zarbon went to say something else, but was interrupted by Gohan's growling stomach. Gohan put his hand on the rumbling beast and blushed before saying, "Hey, do you guys think we could finish this conversation while we're getting something to eat?"

Zarbon agreed, "Well Gohan I wouldn't mind getting a bite to eat I suppose."

Piccolo reluctantly agreed to come along with Gohan and Zarbon to get something to eat (he was very aware of Saiyan eating habits).

And so the three stooges set out to find a decent place to sit down and get a meal.

_Back with Vegeta and Broly_

"So Broly, how did you even make it into this story anyway? I mean, weren't you just some minor villain that everybody started flocking towards so you got 3 movies with you as the villain?"

Broly stopped looking out of the window of the Ferris wheel and turned back to Vegeta, "Only 2 movies, we don't talk about Bio-Broly. Yea I guess it was just sort of a spur of the moment idea of the Author's so that you'd have some other character to interact with."

"Hmm...I suppose that's good enough, but what about Cell? I mean, he'd make an alright character for me to talk to."

"Yea but think about it, Cell already has enough characters to have to interact with: Gohan has Zarbon/Cell, Trunks has Cell, Goku has Frieza/Cell, and You'd only have Cell! Everyone would be interacting mainly with Cell."

"Hmm...I wonder why that is anyway?"

"Well it's pretty simple actually, he IS perfect. Of course he's going to be the main character of this story."

"And you're OK with that Broly?"

"Well yea there's nothing I can do with it, you don't just fuck with the Author's ideas after all. Besides, by not fucking with it, it means I get to be a part of the story!"

"Heh, you must be really desperate, what say we go check in on the others? This Ferris wheel is getting pretty boring, we've been on it for an hour and a half!"

Broly concurred with Vegeta, "Alright Vegeta, let's get the fuck out of here!" They both just flew straight out of the Ferris wheel seat, smashing the glass walls to smithereens.

As they flew above the amusement park, they saw Piccolo land and start talking to Gohan and Zarbon.

Vegeta just scoffed at the scene, "Hah, it seems the Namek wants in on some of that action, well that tells us where one group of the panzies are, I wonder where that clown Kakarot is?"

Broly just waywardly looked at Vegeta, "Why, is this some sort of booty call?"

"Gah! You're as bad as Zarbon! No. I just want to see what kind of mess he's gotten himself into this time!"

Broly raised his left eyebrow at that, "Why would you assume he's in some sort of mess?"

"Because, wherever Kakarot is, there's always trouble! Now come on, let's find that idiot." Vegeta said, then started flying off on his own. Broly just shrugged and followed him.

After a few minutes of flying around trying to find Goku, Broly and Vegeta decided to land and look around on foot. Unfortunately, Broly lost Vegeta in the crowd of park-goers. Forgetting what he was doing, Broly decided to just go and find some entertainment. He walked around among a huge busy crowd of people wandering from one game stall to the next. He scanned the area for something to do, and spotted a rather strange sock puppet stand, he decided to investigate what was going on.

Broly walked up to the stand, it seemed they were already in the middle of a play. There were currently two sock puppets on the stage at the moment; one was a rather fat puppet who wore an orange and brown vest; a green feathered hat, green pants, and was sporting a straight brown moustache, the puppet was all but bald, with only a small patch of hair on the back of his head. The other puppet was some queer with a long elf-styled green hat, and a full green get-up, this puppet was wielding a sword.

The first puppet crudely moved its mouth as a badly imitated loud squeaky voice said; "Lamp oil, rope, bombs, you want it? It's yours my friend, as long as you have enough rupees!" The green one proceeded to explain that he wanted some bombs, but when he turned up short on the cost, the vest-wearing one shooed him away as he said, "Sorry Link, I can't give credit! Come back when you're a little...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...Richer!" Broly got bored after that and walked away, he had to find something to do around here! Deciding to go without Vegeta, he queued up to get on the main attraction, the park's eponymous roller coaster. Even though he was a born fighter and practically surged with power, he had to inwardly gulp at the sheer size of the roller coaster.

Having lost Broly in the crowd, and giving up on his hope of finding Goku, Vegeta had come to the grim realization that he was completely lost. The mighty Prince of All Saiyans looked up at a nearby clock that read '1:30'. Giving one last unsatisfactory 'huff', he decided to find somewhere to take a nap until 7:00, so he could just meet up with everyone else at the entrance of the park and save looking around for them. He wandered aimlessly for a few more minutes before he caught sight of an on-park hotel! _'Perfect'_ he thought to himself, grinning. As he had bought all day passes for everyone, he was allowed a free stay in the hotel. After hurriedly walking up to the reception counter and getting his keys, he hastily went up the stairs to his room. Unknown to him..he was being followed...

_With Cell and Trunks_

"CELLLLLL!" Trunks yelled, desperately looking for the now missing android. When he earned questioning glances from other park-goers Trunks decided to lower his tone.

Trunks gave another scan around his immediate surroundings, "Cell, where the hell are you?"

Trunks began to worry, _'Damn! How could I have lost him? He could be causing random unnecessary destruction!' _Then he came to his senses, remembering that this timeline's Cell had changed for the looked around a bit more before slapping himself on the forehead _'Duh! Ki-sense! I could find him really quickly with that!'_ Trunks stopped for a moment, concentrating as there were a lot of people around him. He found Cell's Ki signal, and immediately went to its direction.

_Back with Vegeta_

Vegeta laid on his bed, he was sprawled out across it, limbs barely under the covers. His armour had been hastily taken off, just sitting in a jumbled pile on a chair next to his bed. As he rolled over onto his stomach he unconsciously reached and scratched an itch on his ass. As his hand returned to its previous position, a shadow loomed over him. The shadow quickly moved and an arm covered Vegeta's mouth, another arm pinned his arms down. Finally, the creature pinned Vegeta's legs to the bed as it leaned over to his right ear. Vegeta sprung awake, but found himself unable to move! He went to yell out something, but found a cool white hand with black nails covering his mouth, a familiar android's voice whispered into his ear...

"You're going to give me some pleasure, right?"

_Back with Trunks_

"Cell! Don't think you can just run off wherever you want!" Trunks yelled to nobody in particular as he flew towards the hotel. He also sensed his father's Ki in the same building, which he found really weird.

_With someone else..._

Yamcha hurriedly ran up the stairs, taking two at a time. The minute he sensed this power level in the park, he had to come investigate. Figures that the one time he takes a day off, something happens! As he reached the top of the flight, he took a quick breather then scanned his left and right sides to make sure nobody else was in the hallway. Yamcha slowly tiptoed to one room where he was sensing two extremely high power levels. As he reached the hotel door, he cracked it open a little bit so he could see inside the room. He silently gasped at the sight of pure gold before him.

He mimicked his thoughts, "This is pure gold! Good thing I brought my camera." He whispered as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small video recorder camera.

After a few seconds of fidgeting with the lighting settings and such, he began to record what was happening in the room...

_Trunks finally makes it to Vegeta's hotel room..._

Trunks burst through Vegeta's outside hotel wall that overlooked the park, what he saw shocked him. There was Cell, having his way with Vegeta's anal cavity, and Vegeta wasn't fighting back! Cell realized he'd been caught by Trunks, and was in deep shit now. Fortunately for Cell, he was just finishing up with Vegeta, and as Vegeta fell unconscious, he moved himself off of him. Cell stood to his

full height and faced Trunks, ready to take whatever punishment Trunks had planned for him. What Trunks said next surprised him greatly.

"Cell! Move away from Vegeta and fuck me!" Cell looked absolutely flabbergasted at Trunks' proclamation, but who was he to look a gift horse in the mouth?

"Hmm...I'm interested in you now, not him! I can fuck him any time I feel like it!" Cell replied as he tossed Vegeta off the bed. Trunks landed on the bed and sized Cell up. Cell smirked at Trunks' determination, but decided to give him a little shock, to show who's in charge. He quickly grabbed Trunks and turned him around while taking his clothes off at the same time. Cell then magically procured a full sized onion and put it into Trunks' mouth.

Cell whispered darkly into Trunks' ear, "Bite down on this onion, I'm going in dry!"

_**Will Trunks bite down on the onion, as Cell suggested him to? Will Vegeta ever regain consciousness after such a pounding? Will Yamcha publish his video onto social networking sites? Will Broly ever become a legitimate character in this story? Will Frieza ever get his ketchup and mustard? Will Gohan, Zarbon and Piccolo ever get food? Doesn't Piccolo not even need to eat? Will Zarbon ever seduce Gohan? Does anyone even read these pointless chapter endings? Find out next time, on the next exciting chapter of Broken, Beaten, and Clogged!**_


	3. Cell Gave Trunks a Big Surprise!

_**A/N: This chapter is rated M because of the first scene, but I decided not to rate the whole story M yet. I'll change the rating from T to M if it's requested of me.  
**_

_**I don't own Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball GT or anything like that, they all belong to Akira Toriyama, Toei, etc. I don't own any other characters in this story, except some shitty OC's I might throw in for the laughs.**_

**"Speech"**

_**'Thoughts'**_

**(Author Comments)**

***Insert other shit like Saiyan Bonds here* = Any other bullshit I might come up with**

_**On the last chapter of Broken, Beaten, and Clogged, the Z-Fighters and Hell Gang went to an amusement park called The Bargain Barn. There, everybody split up and decided to do their own thing. Broly did jack shit, as usual. Frieza got into a fight with some fat fuck that nobody cared about, while Gohan and Zarbon went to an arcade, meeting up with Piccolo later. In addition, Cell got to have his way with Vegeta! In a stunning turn of events, Cell gave Trunks a BIG surprise! Will Cell finish the job with Trunks? Or will he be bested once and for all? Find out on this chapter of Broken, Beaten, and Clogged!**_

_ Chapter 3: Cell gave Trunks a BIG surprise!_

_***WARNING! PARODY SEX-SCENE AHEAD-SKIP IF YOU DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES***_

"Yes this should do just fine it should be large enough!" Cell cried out.

Trunks barely managed to hiss out a response, "Yessssssssssssssssss!"

Yamcha's mouth was gaping open, he was unable to tear away from the sight, "Just look at the size of that! It's huge!"

After getting used to it, Trunks spit the onion out of his mouth and wrestled himself from Cell's grasp.

"C'mon Cell! If you want me come and get me!"

Cell only grinned as he stood onto his knees, "I will, but show me more of that marvellous cock of yours first!"

"Yessssssssssssssssss!" was Trunks' only reply, as he and Cell lunged at each other.

The room was then filled with Trunks' and Cell's mutual grunting and squirming noises (which will be entailed fully here so you all can get a nice vivid picture of this scene) "EERRRAAHHHHH! YRRRRAAAHHHHHHH! YEYEYEYAAAAAAAAA" Trunks roared as he pushed himself onto Cell. Cell only began whimpering in response, "Ururuuuuuuuruuuuuuuuuuuuuu."

Cell and Trunks then grunted in unison, "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHH!"

After a particularly long wrestle, Cell managed to blurt out; "I see you've learned all of Vegeta's moves! Now let me show you how to do them properly!"

Cell then managed to pin Trunks down, Trunks' ass was sticking up into the air as Cell bent over it.

"AAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Cell gave a feral grunt as he thrust.

Trunks' eyes widened two-fold, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Another few moments of wet thumping noises continued before Cell asked a simple rhetorical question, "Impressive, isn't it?"

Cell finished up, then Trunks took the lead, quickly switching positions. Cell's mouth was positioned right at Trunks' member.

"I'm going to insert my method into your child now, Cell!" as Trunks thrust.

All that could be heard was ragged breathing and slurping noises as Trunks forced himself down Cell's throat. A few more minutes of this continued.

"Cell! You've got to swallow this!" Trunks managed to bark out, as he momentarily took himself out of Cell.

"Thank you Trunks! I'll take this without a second thought!"

Cell began gurgling as Trunks got his sweet release, "GUUUARAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Cell managed to swallow it all, he finished licking his lips and then looked up to Trunks. "Excuse me, Trunks? Could you suck my perfect cock?! I have spent decades waiting for it!" Trunks nodded, and Cell, not missing a beat once again switched positions. Trunks began working it hard for Cell, "That's good, Trunks! Pump up that little muscle!"

Once again Trunks and Cell began to go at it, Cell was especially feverish. Lightning began to crackle around Cell as he reached his limit, he let it all go down Trunks' throat.

"Hahahaha!" Cell laughed, "Ultimate perfection!"

"Now, Trunks, I'm going to take a pee into your mouth!"

Yamcha's lip coiled up at that suggestion, but when Cell actually went through with what he said, he could only gasp in surprise, "Hardcore!"

Cell laughed at his perfect shot, "Hahahaha! My aim is as good as eva!"

As things began to wind down, Cell and Trunks collapsed onto each other, falling asleep. Yamcha took this opportunity to flee the scene with his footage, "Oh man! I'm gonna go right home and pop this sucker into the TV!"

_***END OF PARODY SEX-SCENE***_

_Meanwhile, with Gohan, Piccolo, and Zarbon_

"That was a great idea to leave Piccolo alone with those water coolers!" Gohan smiled as he ran down the road to the exit of The Bargain Barn. It was only 5:30, but Zarbon wanted Gohan to come home with him, they were positive they could make it back to the park by 7:00.

_Well let's check on Piccolo then_

"Gohan?" Piccolo asked as he tried to move his legs, he wasn't able to though.

"Zarbon?...Anybody? Help!" Piccolo had drank 3 entire water coolers worth of water, and was inflated like a balloon. He was so fat, his fat rolled over his legs, leaving nothing but his shoes to stick out underneath them. He tried to move by flailing his arms back and forth and creating momentum, but only succeeded in falling flat on his face.

"Ugh...Guess I just gotta wait for either somebody to find me...or for my system to digest this much water..."

A few kids began gathering around Piccolo and started poking him with sticks,

"I wonder what it is?" Some kid asked.

Another kid responded by chucking a rock at Piccolo and watched as it bounced off of him,"It looks like some sort of living balloon!"

"Mommy! I want one!"

Piccolo snarled at the little devils, "Get away from me now before I rip your head off and shit down your neck!" At that remark all the kids ran away. Piccolo could only sigh as he was left alone again.

"Urggghh, I hope Gohan gets back soon."

_One trip to the Son's residence later..._

Gohan's house was conveniently empty as he and Zarbon went up to his room.

"Now Gohan, want to see my Funny Bunny?" Zarbon asked seductively.

_And that's all we're going to see of that scene cause that shit is fucked up_

_Back with Goku and Frieza..._

It was now 6:00, Goku and Frieza had long since left the food court and were now wondering around the park. They had gone on a few rides, but nothing spectacular worth mentioning. Frieza hatched a wonderful idea and wondered if Goku would be accepting of it.

"Hey, monkey." Frieza began.

"My name is Goku, Frieza, so start calling me that."

"You know it's just a bad habit of mine, anyway, I was wondering if we could stop by at a liquor store real quick."

"Why would we want to do that?"

"Oh I dunno, buy some liquor maybe?"

"Yea I know what you do at a liquor store! I was wondering why you wanted to buy some though?"

"Oh, well I just haven't tasted some fine wine in a long time and was wondering what your Earthly alcohol tasted like."

"I see, well I don't see why not. Do you have any money?"

"Of course I have your pathetic Earth currency! Zenni right?"

Goku looked at Frieza questioningly, "Yea it's Zenni, where did you get some from? Or do all planets use that money?"

Frieza shook his head, "No other planet uses Zenni that I know of. I stole this money off of that fat fuck that dared insult me earlier."

Goku looked like he just shit his pants, "WHAT! Frieza! You can't go stealing things off of random people like that! You go return that money right now!"

"Never! He insulted me, got in my face, AND wasted my time! He deserved to have his wealth stolen, nothing you say or do will change my mind on this one!"

Goku was at a loss for words, he couldn't believe what he was hearing! He knew Frieza was once a bad guy, but petty theft? Didn't seem like him..._'Well there's nothing we can do now anyway, we wouldn't know where to find that guy even if I did convince Frieza to give it back. Oh well, guess I just gotta keep a better eye on him from now on.'_

Frieza decided that the best way to go about things was by not incurring the powerful Saiyan's wrath, he decided to veer the conversation back on point. "So, where's the nearest store?"

"Well I haven't been here (East City) in quite a while, so I guess we just gotta wander around till we find one."

"Do you think we could be back before 7:00?"

"Maybe, East City isn't that big, and we can fly around if we get desperate."

"Sounds like a plan to me, Saiyan, lead the way."

_Back with Vegeta, Trunks, and Cell_

Vegeta sat up from his position on the floor and groggily looked around, "What happened?" He looked to his left at his bed and saw Trunks, buck naked, asleep with his ass in the air.

Vegeta suddenly looked VERY pissed off when his memory of the recent event just came back to him.

"Cell, that piece of shit! I'm going to rip his dick off and shove it straight up his ass when I find him!" Vegeta hurriedly threw his clothes back on and flew out the window Trunks demolished earlier.

_Meanwhile_

Cell quickly ducked into an alley and peered to his immediate right and left. He was currently in East City with his 'disguise' back on. He was laying low since he knew Vegeta's rage would hit critical mass when he woke up.

"Damn, I'm up shits creek without a paddle!" Cell quickly crossed the street and hid in another alley. He looked back out, and fortune smiled upon him! What are the odds that Frieza and Goku were directly down the street from him!? "Perfect! I'll just duck in with Goku and Frieza like nothing happened, they'll defend me from Vegeta's wrath!" Cell scurried towards the duo, "Hmm...It looks like they just came from that liquor store over there, I wonder why?" He shrugged to himself as he ran over and draped his arms across Frieza's and Goku's shoulders.

"Hey guys, how's it hanging?"

"Cell! What's up? You seem to be like you're in a rush, is everything alright?" Goku innocently asked.

"Yea, yea. Everything's just peachy, when I saw my two best pals I just got excited, that's all!"

Goku simply smiled at Cell's sentiment, not finding anything suspicious. Frieza on the other hand was VERY suspicious, _'Cell never calls me his 'best buddy', something's up, and I'm going to find out what!'_ Frieza smirked as he came to a realization, "Hey Cell, what happened to Trunks and Vegeta? Earlier you said you were going together with Trunks."

All of the colour drained from Cell's face when Frieza finished his sentence. _'Knew it!'_

"Oh uh...Vegeta and Trunks? They uhhh...went to go have a gay orgy with Zarbon and Broly, you know those two! Hahahaha..."

Frieza quirked his eyebrow at that, while a few question marks floated above Goku's head. "What's an orgy?"

"Trust me, monkey, you don't want to know."

"What! What is it? When you put it like that I want to know even more! Tell me!"

"It's where a bunch of people bump uglies together," Cell stated matter-of-factly.

"Huh?...Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." The realization his Goku like a sack of bricks and his face curled up at his revelation.

"Heh...I warned you, monkey"

"It's GOKU, Frieza, how many times do I have to tell you?"

"Like I said, bad habit."

"Yea well you'd better start actively curbing this bad habit!"

Cell looked between the two as they bickered, he had a satisfactory grin slapped across his face. _'Heh, looks like I dodged the bullet! Perfect...Yea...Love that word...Perfect...Per...fect...Yeeaaaaa' _Cell quickly lost himself to his own thoughts as he continued to marvel at his favourite word.

"Cell! Cell?! CELL!" Goku was waving his hand in front of Cell's face.

"Huh?! Ah! Sorry, I kinda spaced out there."

"Well...I said we're at the entrance to the park! It's 6:50, so the others should be here soon." As Goku said that, Gohan and Zarbon flew in and landed right next to them.

Goku waved as he ran over to meet them, "Hey Gohan, Zarbon! What's up?"

"Hey dad! Not too much, Zarbon and I had a good time today. We should thank Vegeta when we see him."

"Yea I agree son, it was really nice of him to let us come here today!"

Cell was anything but calm currently, as the spotlight wasn't currently on him. He tapped his foot impatiently as he thought to himself, _'Where's Trunks, Vegeta, and Piccolo! The plot isn't moving along at all and we're nearly half-way through the chapter!'_ As if on cue, Trunks and Vegeta landed next to the rest of the group.

Vegeta immediately glared at Cell, whose only response was to cock a grin at him. "Well, Android, later tonight you and I need to have a little 'talk'." As if to further cement his point, Vegeta slammed his fist into his other hand menacingly. "Very well Vegeta, but don't say I didn't warn you!"

"Alrighty guys, let's go!" Goku said as he took a running start in preparation for flying off.

"Wait dad! What about Piccolo?"

Goku stopped mid dash, "Piccolo? He was here? But we didn't come with him!"

Vegeta scoffed at this annoying inconvenience, "Forget the Namek! Who cares if he was here? I'm the one who paid for us to come here, and if we don't leave now, I may never extend such charity again!"

"Alright, alright, Vegeta. Let's go guys, if Piccolo wants to talk to us, he'll meet up on the flight back." Goku reasoned.

And thus, part of the Z-Fighters, and the Hell Gang, took off for Goku's house. For what? We may never know...until right now.

_Later, that very same year, at Goku's house_

Goku was the first to land, he turned around and waited for the rest of the gang to land before speaking.

"So guys, what are we going to do tonight?"

As Cell landed, he decided to voice his opinion before the rest of the group was engaged with this conversation, "Hey, why did we fly here anyway? Couldn't we have just used Instant Transmission?"

Frieza turned to Cell, and nonchalantly responded to him as if the answer were obvious, "The author decided that Instant Transmission could be abused everywhere, I mean, who'd even need to walk if you could just IT everywhere to your destination?"

Zarbon decided to also voice a concern, "By the way guys, what happened to Broly? We never met up with him and we don't even know if he's alright!"

"Who cares? It's not like he's an important character to this story anyway." Vegeta said as he kicked open the door to Goku's house and strutted inside.

"Wait a second, Cell, you said that Broly was apart of Zarbon's gay orgy! So Zarbon should know where Broly is! Unless...you lied to me?!" Goku looked furiously towards Cell.

_'Oh fuck, I'm in hot water now!'_ Cell gulped as he began to sweat profusely. Suddenly, an idea came to him, he pointed towards the back of the house. "Hey! Everyone! It's a time traveling version of Pan from the future here to ruin our Fanfiction! Kill her, quick!" Cell dashed into the house as everywhere swerved around, yelling 'Where?!'

A few minutes passed before everyone piled into Goku's house, each equally confused. Cell was now situated on the couch, watching some show about vegetables fighting refrigeration units and a pair of boxers were coming to the aid of said vegetables. Goku walked over towards the couch and nudged Cell, "Hey, Cell. We didn't see that Future Pan, are you sure she was there?" Cell tore himself away from the show, "Ah...You know shitty characters like her, they're slippery fellows! I was sure it was her..."

Frieza just shrugged, "This is the part where we all conveniently forget what we asked you about earlier so we can move on with this current scene."

"Thanks, Frieza!" Cell smiled.

Suddenly Broly barged into the house through Goku's front door, he looked out of breath. "Sorry I'm late guys! I kinda got caught up looking at pointless drivel and didn't see the time."

Goku waved him off, "Ah, don't worry about it Broly! I'm sure it was more exciting than what we've been doing." He turned back to the TV as he finished. Broly looked at the shitty show playing on the television before shrugging and joining the group on the couch.

Vegeta suddenly jumped to his feet, and seemed to have a strange look plastered across his face.

"I'm getting a feeling...that the plot demands me to be somewhere else! So I'll be going, now! Trunks, you're coming too!" And just like that, Vegeta and Trunks IT'd out of the Son's family home. Nobody even batted an eyelash at the scene.

_A few minutes passed before..._

"Goku! Dinner's ready!" Chi-Chi called out.

"Dinner! Whoo-hoo!" Goku replied as he leapt to his feet, dashing into the kitchen. The Hell-Gang opted to follow him, with of course more reserve.

A huge dinner table had been setup to replace the old smaller one, since the Sons were currently housing guests. Sprawled across it were articles of food of every size, ranging from small bowls of spinach to an entire ham!

Goku stared in awe at the veritable feast, "Wow Chi-Chi! You really out did yourself tonight! What's the occasion?" He said as he hurriedly jumped into his seat.

Chi-Chi smiled at Goku's kindness, "Nothing really, I just felt like giving a more welcoming meal now that I know ahead of time we have guests." Just as she finished, the Hell-Gang came piling into the room, each member grabbed an unoccupied chair (Gohan and Goten had already seated themselves).

"This meal looks absolutely remarkable! I must say you Earthlings know how to eat!" Zarbon exclaimed, glancing over the variety of dishes.

"Thank you. I decided to bring out the old table my dad used to own. I didn't think we'd ever use it! Now enough dilly-dallying, let's dig in before it gets cold!"

And so, everyone began to eat. Well, just when it seemed like it would be a peaceful dinner, it was quickly interrupted. As he was too preoccupied with stuffing his face, Goku didn't realize the sheer ferocity of his current eating procedure. He was eating so fast, and so continuously, that scraps of food were flying in all directions from his mouth. Chunks of skin were flying from the right, small pieces broccoli from the left, and a smorgasbord of vegetables and meat from the centre. Cell, who was sitting directly in front of Goku, was taking the brunt of the food assault. Scraps of animals and vegetables were landing on his helmet, on his plate, and onto his shoulders and chest. Of particular note was a piece of chicken that had just finished landing onto Cell's left cheek, it slowly slid off, and landed on his plate. Cell grimaced at the unfolding scene, before finally having enough.

"Goku!" he yelled, to no avail. A few seconds passed before he finally hit his breaking point. Cell slammed his fist onto the table, "GOKU! WOULD YOU STOP EATING LIKE SUCH A FUCKING PIG!"

The sounds of happy eating ceased at his comment, as everybody looked up from their respective plates to stare at him.

Goku was quick to respond, "Cell! Would you stop acting like such a whiny bitch!" As he finished his retort he stuffed an entire chicken into his mouth. Cell's left eye began to twitch as he watched Goku instantly pull the bones out of his mouth, clean of all meat. Goku made sure to cement his point by throwing the chicken bones onto Cell's plate.

Zarbon decided to throw in his two cents, "Cell, I believe tradition calls for you to apply cold water to the burned area!"

"Zarbon, I believe tradition calls for you to shut the fuck up before I go over there and maim you!" Zarbon merely stuck his tongue out in response.

Cell had had enough, he grabbed a large chicken bone from his plate, and smashed it against the side of the table. This caused the bone to snap in half, creating a makeshift shank. Cell lunged forward and stabbed Zarbon in his midsection. Zarbon managed to yelp out, "My spleen!" before dropping like a sack of bricks. The second he crumpled, an all-out brawl-out ensued. Cell and Goku immediately charged at one another, jumping from their respective sides of the table. They clashed directly in the middle. As they began to rustle, Broly and Frieza decided to jump in and aid Cell (who was quickly losing the fight). Gohan and Goten leaped in after them to help Goku. Chi-Chi only shook her head as she picked up her plate and wordlessly left to eat in another room.

Frieza emitted a ferocious howl as he jumped onto the chandelier, yanking it from its socket. He then smashed into directly into Gohan's forehead, sending him plummeting to the ground. Broly kneed Goten in the stomach, before slamming him into the ground. Goten quickly scurried underneath the table to hide from him. After a few unsuccessful attempts to wrench him from his hiding place, Broly decided to simply flip the table (which was still being used as Cell's and Goku's fighting arena). The two fighters went crashing with the table, as countless dishes and utensils fell with them. Cell was quickly losing control of the fight, he needed other options! Just as Goku was about to land a devastating punch against his stomach, he grabbed the unconscious Zarbon and used him as a meat shield. Goku's fist rammed directly into Zarbon's gut, causing him to spew out blood from both his mouth and stab wound. Cell decided to get even more creative. He grabbed Zarbon's ankles, and using his body as a club, he began mercilessly beating on Goku.

"Rargh! Enough of this!" Goku screamed as he 'disarmed' Cell with a quick flick of his wrist, sending Zarbon sprawling back onto the floor. Cell nearly shit himself at the effortlessness behind Goku's action...he could end the fight whenever he wanted to! _'I need some distance!'_ Cell quickly thought up a plan: he shot a Ki blast directly at Goku, then back-flipped to the other side of the room. Goku held his hand out and dissipated the blast, before diving directly towards Cell. Cell wasn't done yet though; he grabbed various plates that were stacked outside of an armoire and began to fling them like discs towards Goku. One by one Goku smashed aside his wife's prized kitchen plate collection, slowly closing the distance towards Cell. Cell reached to grab another plate, but his hand met with air!

"I'm out of ammo!" He yelled out, before looking up towards his adversary, only to be startled as Goku was right in front of him!

"Seems like you're out of options, why don't you just give up, Cell?" Cell stared directly into Goku's eyes with great determination, as he frantically fished around for some sort of weapon.

"Hah! It's not over yet, Goku!" He yelled as he grabbed hold of what he assumed was a knife. He held out his prize in front of him, using it to keep his distance from Goku.

"Stay back Son! Or I'll unleash this insurmountable engine of destruction onto you!" Goku looked down at what Cell was holding, a small kitchen knife.

"Hah, what are you gonna do with that pig sticker, chop up my clothes?" Cell looked down at his weapon of choice, only to frown with disappointment. He quickly discarded it and grabbed something else.

"How about...this!" He held out a large fork.

Goku smiled, "Is that a challenge?"

Cell smirked, "Yes!"

Goku reached behind him, and pulled out a spoon from his belt, "Then I accept!" They then began a fencing match with their respective utensils.

Meanwhile, Frieza was holding Gohan in a reverse choke hold, Gohan struggled to get free. Frieza then grabbed one of Gohan's arms and began punching him with it.

"Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself! Hahahaha!"

"Stop it! Stop it! Agh!" Gohan was quickly losing consciousness from Frieza's continued pounding. "Zarbon! Help me!" Almost as if some other primordial force drove him to, Zarbon miraculously sat up from his grievous wounds, and looked towards Gohan's plight. Rather then say something, the barely conscious Zarbon simply lifted his right arm, and held out his hand. He pointed towards Frieza, making a gun with his fingers. He 'shot' Frieza, and fell unconscious again. Strangely, the finger-gun shot an actual bullet! It flew right between Frieza's eyes, instantly knocking him out.

"Well that was unexpected." Gohan said as he looked at Frieza's unmoving form. He decided to assess the situation, to see who needed the most help. Broly and Goten had tossed tables onto their sides, using them as shields as they flung various projectiles at one another. Goku and Cell were still in their fencing match, Cell performed a fatal lunge towards Goku, who managed to duck out of the way and rolled to the side. Rather then get involved with either of the stalemates, Gohan decided to tend to Zarbon's wounds.

Meanwhile, it seemed like one of the fencers were about to make the decisive move! Goku ducked underneath a wide swing of Cell's, then jumped onto a table, pointing his spoon towards Cell's throat.

"It's over Cell! I have the high ground!"

Cell frowned at his predicament, "You underestimate my power!"

"Don't try anything." Cell somersaulted onto the table. Goku read his move though, and made the finishing blow...

He sliced the fork clean in half, just as Cell landed. All Cell could do was hold his hands up in surrender as Goku pointed the spoon underneath his chin.

"It looks like I win, it's over! Admit defeat, Cell!"

"Alright, alright! Do you always have to be so dramatic?" Cell said as he climbed down from the table. Goku soon followed after him. They walked up to survey the carnage still taking place, as Goten and Broly had run out of small projectiles and began flinging larger ones. Everything from couches to televisions were being thrown in every direction imaginable. Goku ducked underneath a chair before turning to Cell.

"Think we should stop them?" Cell folded his arms across his chest, "Nah, how much longer could it last? They've got to run out of steam eventually!"

Frieza had finally begun to come to after being shot by Zarbon. He slowly crawled onto his hands and knees for a minute before hoisting himself up. He used a wall as an anchor as he caught his breath, before joining Goku and Cell as an onlooker.

"Thanks for the assistance there, Cell."

"You're welcome."

_30 Minutes later..._

Unfortunately for our heroes, the shooting match was still going on. Cell, Goku and Frieza had long gotten tired of standing up, so they were all leaning against a wall. Cell raised his wrist to his face, to check the time, only to realize he didn't have a watch. He sighed as he lowered his arm back down, opting to still standby his decision, and wait it out.

Suddenly, Chi-Chi came storming into the room!

"Look at this mess! I don't even recognize this room! This place is totally destroyed! Goten! Broly! Stop this NOW!"

And just like that, Goten and Broly stopped. They set the tables upright and stared down at the floor. Broly decided to throw in one last line before the end of the chapter, "Look guys, it's the Big Boogity Bitch, here to ruin our fun...guess we're done for now." He finished as a can materialized at his feet for him to kick dramatically.

_**How much shit is Broly, Goku, Cell, Frieza, Goten, Gohan, and Zarbon in? Will Chi-Chi ever fix the house after this catastrophe? Will a winner ever be determined between Goten and Broly? Will Zarbon survive his battle wounds? Will Goku eat more food like a pig? Will Cell ever redeem himself after such a humiliating loss? Are Vegeta, Trunks and Piccolo ever going to make another appearance in this Fanfiction again? **__**Find out next time, on the next exciting chapter of Broken, Beaten, and Clogged!**_

_**A/N: I totally forgot Trunks and Vegeta existed when I wrote the dinner table fight scene, so I decided that they would conveniently not exist for this chapter...So yea, sorry about that, Vegeta and Trunks fans (Not that I actually give a fuck about how I messed up).**_


	4. Have Mercy!

_**A/N: Hey guys, sorry for the big delay between updates, but I've been busy with college shit, etc etc blah blah blah, you guys probably don't want to hear shitty excuses so I won't waste both of our time by writing them up. Anyway, to compensate for the long hiatus, I've typed up this beast of a chapter, I'd have to say it's easily my best yet - I didn't think I'd top the Dinner Table Fight Scene so easily. The word count for this chapter is OVER 9000! (Don't expect many to be this long, I try to keep them around 5k words so they don't drag on.) So yea, apologies for not updating, here's Chapter 4. **_

_**I don't own Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball GT or anything like that, they all belong to Akira Toriyama, Toei, etc. I don't own any other characters in this story, except some shitty OC's I might throw in for the laughs.**_

**"Speech"**

_**'Thoughts'**_

**(Author Comments or Clarification)**

***Blah Blah* = either an Action or some other bullshit like Saiyan Bonds**

_**On the last chapter of Broken, Beaten, and Clogged, Cell gave Trunks everything he had! As the Z-Fighters and Hell-Gang went to leave the Bargain Barn, they decided to ditch Piccolo! In addition, Goku and Frieza visited a liquor store! In a stunning turn of events, Vegeta and Trunks left Goku's house because the plot demanded them to! Just when the excitement hit its peak, Cell throws in a curve ball and starts a huge fight at the dinner table! Unfortunately, Zarbon got injured during the fight! In the thrilling conclusion, Broly got into deep shit when he insulted Chi-Chi! Will Broly manage to get out of this one alive? Will Frieza pull out the alcohol he had bought earlier? Will Trunks and Vegeta ever return? Will Zarbon recover from the wounds he sustained in the dinner table fight? Will this intro ever conclude? Find out on this chapter of Broken, Beaten, and Clogged!**_

_ Chapter 4: Have Mercy!_

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Having finally cleaned up the chaos that had ensued only a few hours before, the Z-Fighters and Hell-Gang were now finally finishing their well deserved meal. Zarbon had magically recovered from his injuries (something-something Dende, something-something) and was back in action. Vegeta and Trunks had also conveniently returned, no doubt to take part in the next exciting installment of this Fic. Speaking of which, Frieza was up to no good! What kind of mayhem does he have in store for our motley gang? Let's find out...

"You want me to WHAT!?" Goku yelled. "I don't drink, Frieza. I can't believe that's why you bought that alcohol!"

"Come now, Saiyan. Where's your sense of adventure? You mean you've NEVER had a drink before?"

"Well...I have, but it was only at parties and such."

"Well this IS a party! So come on now! Don't be chicken shit!"

Goku was feeling the weight of peer pressure as he met the gaze of Zarbon, Frieza, and Cell. Meanwhile, Broly was simply sitting in a corner with a cliché storm cloud over his head, after being heavily berated by Chi-Chi. Vegeta and Trunks were too busy laughing at Broly's expense to help Goku out. Chi-Chi and 18 were off doing whatever, not like anybody cares about them anyway.

Goku was sweating buckets, Chi-Chi told him that drinking makes you do stupid things, and one should only drink alcohol on special occasions. Today was not a special occasion in his eyes, sure he had reconciled with his previous enemies and had been having fun with them, but that doesn't mean he should drink like a fish! He couldn't even look to his sons for help! Gohan seemed on board with the idea while Goten had fallen asleep!

Frieza suddenly looked downtrodden, "Well alright Saiyan, if you don't want to, we won't make you. Come on Cell, help me get some glasses." Frieza and Cell stood up and departed for the kitchen to get some shot glasses for everyone.

The second they got into the kitchen, Cell turned to Frieza as he opened a cabinet. "What was that about, Frieza? You aren't seriously giving up, are you?"

"Of course not." Frieza smirked, "We're just going to get him a 'friendly drink.'"

"Hah! What a perfect idea! I'd say you've been taking after me Frieza!"

"Taking after YOU? Remember who you were built from! Your cunning and intelligence came from me, you know."

"Alright, alright! We don't have time for this, we'll save the arguing for later. This is going to be hilarious!" Cell laughed as he finished grabbing the last glass. Frieza poured some orange juice into a glass, then spiked it with some classic 1822 East City Wine. He hurriedly poured the rest of the drinks, then made sure he'd carry in Goku's drink separately, to make it look like Cell had poured the alcohol and he was doing Goku a favour. Carrying all of the drinks on a platter was unbecoming of Cell, but he shouldered the hit to his pride if it meant bearing witness to what would be this glorious event. After all, Zarbon had all sorts of things cooked up for this evening!

"Frieza! Cell! What's taking you two bumbling idiots so long to do such a simple task?!" Vegeta impatiently called out.

"Calm down you annoying gnome! We're on our way!" Frieza called back. Just as he finished, he and Cell walked into the room. Frieza was holding Goku's cocktail, while Cell was carrying the rest of the drinks.

Frieza strolled up to Goku, "Here Saiyan, I felt bad about leaving you out on all the fun we're going to be having, so I brought you some orange juice."

Goku beamed up to Frieza in absolute appreciation, "Thanks Frieza! See? I told'ja there's good in everybody!"

"Yes, yes. You were right, now drink up! Cell? Did everybody else get their drinks?"

Cell had just finished placing the platter onto the main table. "Speaking of impatience, yes, they are!"

"Excellent."

Goku took a big sip of the drink Frieza so 'generously' gave to him. As he finished, his face soured a bit. "Man Frieza, this is the weirdest orange juice I've ever tasted!"

Cell was on the ball though, and quickly came up with an excuse; "Maybe it's not so much the orange juice as it is your taste-buds. You did have a lot to eat and drink tonight."

Goku nodded at Cell's seemingly air tight logic, "You're right, that has to be it." Frieza visibly released his breath when Goku took Cell's shitty reasoning.

Vegeta, however, was not one to miss an important detail like that, and he caught on to what the dastardly duo were up to. He cocked a wicked grin as he thought to himself, _'I could rat them out and get them into a lot of shit, but I think this will be far more entertaining!'_

Frieza had proceeded to pour another round of drinks for everyone, including Goku. Frieza nonchalantly handed Goku a glass of alcohol, which Goku drank in one swig.

"Yuck! You sure this orange juice isn't bad?" Goku asked, as he stared at the bottom of the glass, as if looking at a single drop of alcohol/orange juice would reveal its secrets.

"Yes I'm positive! Sheesh! You think I'd ever steer you wrong, Sai-I mean, Goku?" Goku, in his ever trusting nature, just simply nodded at Frieza. _He got a second chance for a reason, maybe I'm just reading into this too much? Besides, he even called me Goku! Progress!_ Goku thought as his trademark grin formed on his face.

Goku then held the glass out towards the ex-space tyrant, and shook it back and forth. "Alright then, Frieza! Get me another round, would you?" Vegeta could only roll his eyes at Goku's naivety, while Gohan face-palmed.

After a few more rounds of drinks, everyone situated in the living room was drunk. Some were more drunk than others, that some being specifically Zarbon and Goku. Goku because he couldn't hold his liquor, and Zarbon because he had drank like a fish. Only Cell and Frieza retained much coherent speaking capabilities. Various minor activities had occurred that weren't worth noting, so we'll skip to the group attempting to play poker.

"I bet-sh *hiccup* 200." Trunks said as he threw 500 worth of chips onto the table, he was swaying left and right attempting to not fall over. Trunks had a pair of Fours in his had, unsuited Diamonds and Clubs.

Cell squinted at the amount of chips, though he could not get a very accurate read as the chips were blurring between themselves. Cell crossed his eyes in an attempt to get an accurate read, but he just wound up looking like a fucking retard. Vegeta had decided to speak up at that time, meaning Cell could give up in his attempt to see the real amount Trunks had bet.

"That'sssssssssssssssssssss not 200 you fo-w-fool! That'ssssssssss 1000!" Vegeta blurted out, surprisingly not slurring too many of the words. Vegeta then folded (He had a pair of Kings, spades and hearts, with 4 of the cards in the river being a spade, the fifth being a King).

Frieza looked at the table, then back to his cards, then back to the table, "All in" he muttered as he pushed all his chips up (He has a pair of Twos). To Frieza, he held in his hand a Blackjack. He smirked at his apparent victory.

Cell was torn, Frieza had all-inned (He had 10 worth of chips), but due to the alcohol affecting his perfect brain, he only saw Frieza adding chips to a huge pile in the middle. Cell looked at his hand, weighing his odds. In his hand he held the Basic Pokemon card Oddish, and a cardboard cutout of a playing card with a crudely marker drawn image of Cell saying "Perfection". Knowing he had his trump card in his hand, he made his decision; "All In". Cell proceeded to push up all of his remaining chips, which totaled to about 3000.

Next up was Gohan, his cards were a Black Lotus and a Babe Ruth. Poor Gohan had been subject to Frieza's alcohol reserves, so his irrational mind saw himself with a pair of Queens. Thus, the only logical option with such a superb hand was to...

"Fold" Gohan said simply.

Next came Zarbon, he had no chips on his side, but somehow was playing anyway. Zarbon also had nothing in his hand but a Six of Clubs and a Nine of Hearts. In order to Call, Zarbon took his greasy thong off and threw it in with the pile of chips, it joined the rest of his clothing. His now naked form was sitting in all of its glory.

"Caw-caw! Caww!" Zarbon started flapping his arms around like a crow as he jumped onto the table. "CAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Cell proceeded to shove Zarbon off with his free arm, Zarbon landed in a heap on top of Gohan. "We get it, you fucking Called, now stop flailing around like some brain-damaged lunatic!"

Zarbon looked to the young Saiyan he was sitting on, he then seductively traced his finger along Gohan's jaw. Gohan shuddered at the touch before throwing Zarbon off of him. It turns out Gohan was a violent drunk.

"Get off of me you narcissistic sociopath!" Gohan angrily snarled. Zarbon had of course landed face first with his bare naked ass in the air. Rather than responding to Gohan's angry outburst, Zarbon just proceeded to slap his own ass, which resoundingly jiggled. Zarbon then rocked his hips back and forth, causing his junk to flail around.

"Kakarot I think I'm going to puke." Vegeta stated as his face turned green at the unsightly scene playing out in front of him.

"That image will be burned into my retina for the rest of my Perrrrfect existence." Cell managed to get out before having to turn away from the grotesque vision.

Finally, it was Goku's turn (Since Broly wasn't allowed to play). Goku looked at his hand, which was a pair of hashbrowns, similar in shape to the ones you get at McDonald's. Goku was using his left hand to play with his remaining chips, picking up a few of them before dropping them back onto the stack. The chips by the way, weren't actually chips but rather an assortment of various chip shaped objects such as some bottle caps, a Nickel, a muffin wrapper, and a few smarties. Goku once had far more chips, but they all were potato chips and he had simply eaten them in a bout of drunken hunger.

"King me." Goku said as he threw a bottle cap onto the pile. Vegeta suddenly burst out laughing. Everyone looked over to him like he had grown a second head. Soon Vegeta's laughing fit exploded, he began to laugh uncontrollably! Eventually he began choking while attempting to gasp for breath. A few minutes passed by before Vegeta just suddenly stopped laughing.

Cell decided to bite, "What was so funny, Vegeta?"

"Nothing." And that was that. Nobody had acknowledged that Goku had A) Not used legal betting currency and B) If his random assortment of objects WERE to be considered legal tender, he hadn't even all-inned. It was at this point in time that everyone had to reveal their hands, starting with Trunks. Trunks laid down his pair of Fours, smirking confidently. Frieza slapped down his hand before commenting, "Blackjack, bitches!" Everyone looked at what he had placed down.

Cell burst out laughing, "HAHAHA! Frieza, you bumbling baboon! We're not even playing Blackjack!"

"Gah! What game ARE we playing then, hmmm?"

"I thought we were playing Bridge!"

"Who the fuck plays Bridge? Get with the times you overgrown vomit-coloured maggot!" Frieza spat at Cell.

"Don't make me come over there you crusty old, granny voiced, throat cancer victim-ed, shit eating lizard!" Cell fired back.

Frieza started foaming at the mouth as he lunged towards Cell with murder in his eyes. Cell could only briefly voice his response before being assaulted, "Get away from me you deranged psychopath!"

After a brief scuffle, which Goku helped to end before things got out of hand, it was Cell's turn. He threw down his ace in the hole, an Oddish and his cardboard self portrait. "Checkmate."

Everyone deadpanned at Cell's hand. Seemingly believing that he held an unbeatable pair of cards.

"Aw, man! That aint fair!" Pouted Goku, "I wanted the Oddish!" Zarbon then reached over and picked up Cell's cardboard portrait, strangely very interested in it. It took a moment, due to the liquor, but realization finally dawned on Zarbon's face as he flipped the card over.

"My my my, Cell. I didn't know you were interested in my services!"

"The fuck you talking about?" Was Cell's only response as he snatched the card back. He read out what the back of the card said; "Call 555-2242-6969 and let Uncle Zarbon show you a wild ride!" Cell reamed off, his lip slowly curling up as he read on. Somehow fitting onto the bottom of the card, was a moving image of Zarbon humping in the air with his hands laced behind his head. "H-h-how is that even physically possible?" Frieza spluttered out, looking at the card from behind Cell's shoulder.

Trunks just wanted to move on so he could sleep off his horrible headache, "Leshhhhh jussst moose on her guyzzz." Trunks managed to slur out as he began dangerously swaying in a full circle.

Gohan was severely perturbed by all the things that had happened. The fighting, the yelling, the swearing, the stripping, and the general never ending feeling this night was radiating made the poor young 13 year old rub his temples in a vain attempt to ward off a headache. It didn't help that the poor kid was hammered. So when his turn finally came, he just chucked his two cards onto the table. Eyebrows were raised as the group began piecing together that they may not be using regular playing cards. In addition, the group began to realize that their cards were from many different card games, and some weren't even cards at all!

"So are we supposed to Connect Four?" Frieza asked, still confused about what they're playing.

"I've got it! Colonel Mustard, with the Lead Pipe, in the Billiard Room!" Vegeta suddenly spewed as he jumped to his feet.

"Hit me!" Broly yelled out from the back of the room.

Cell furiously whipped his head around and glared at Broly, "Broly! Shut the fuck up and stay in your corner! We are NOT playing Blackjack!" Broly just merely sulked, as he drew circles on the floor with his index finger.

Next it was Zarbon's turn. He hastily chucked his cards, Six of Clubs and Nine of Hearts onto the pile.

**"BANKO!" **Zarbon screamed at the top of his lungs as he jumped onto the table and began pounding his chest like a gorilla.

"It's BINGO!" Cell yelled back as he violently grabbed Zarbon and tossed him over his shoulder. Zarbon crashed straight through a wall before crumpling against the kitchen's main sink, causing various cleaning products to spill out and fall onto him. Fortunately the bottles were closed, so they all just crashed down on poor Zarbon.

"And we aren't...even...PLAYING...BINGO!" Cell finally snapped as he sat back down. As things began to calm down, Goku waited for Zarbon to crawl back to his spot, before revealing his 'cards'. Once he was sure everyone was paying attention, he slapped his hashbrowns onto the table.

"Yahtzee!" Goku triumphantly cried out. Cell gritted his teeth, attempting to calm himself down. Nobody was even paying attention to who had what hands, as Frieza had brought out another round of drinks.

Finally, Gohan realized what exactly Goku's 'hand' consisted of. "Dad, why is your hand a pair of potato patties?!"

"Yo mamma's hands are a pair of potato patties!" Vegeta called out.

"Go fish!" Goku cried out in response as he downed his glass in one gulp. At his father's uncaring reply towards his mother's hands, Gohan suddenly burst into tears! The emotional drama was too strenuous on our favourite angst-filled Saiyan!

"Here Gohan, this'll calm you down!" Zarbon said as he lodged his long meaty schlong down Gohan's wet throat. "It always helps me calm down anyway."

Cell's left eye twitched as Frieza decided to throw in his two-cents, "Hey Zarbon, is that implying you suck your own cock!?"

Vegeta once again managed to throw in one of his infamous comments, "Man t-t-his F-Fic sure went M rated real quac-quick!" Vegeta fumbled with his own words. As he finished his quip, Cell was busy attempting to wrench Zarbon off of Gohan.

Goku decided that only one course of action could be taken in order to bring order back into this chaotic scene. His liquor clouded mind could only fathom one possible solution: he climbed onto the table while simultaneously tearing his clothes off of his body. In order to defend his son's honour, Goku decided he'd have to sully his own. As such, he began dancing on top of their living room table to in order to dispel the situation. As Goku jiggled his hips back and forth, a repeating ***SLAP*** sound could be heard**.**

***SLAP* *SLAP***

***SLAP* *SLAP***

***SLAP* *SLAP***

Goku's junk was waving back and forth, and each time it collided with one of his thighs, the slapping sound would ring out. Each member of their little group reacted differently to this stunning turn of events. Zarbon was completely mesmerized by Goku's gyrating hips, Frieza's left eyebrow was steadily raising higher and higher. Vegeta curled his lip up in disgust and looked away. Trunks just stared at Goku in a drunken haze. Cell had a complicated mix of emotions written on his face, he wanted to like it, but it was just so fucking random and weird! Finally, Gohan just sat there in fetal position, crying, the loud slapping sound muffling out his sobs. Zarbon started tossing money at Goku, who graciously accepted. Frieza went and gave Goku an entire bottle of wine, which Goku quickly drank.

Even though there was quite the drama unfolding in front of him, Goku was completely self-absorbed, he didn't even register the world around him. For as he danced on top of the table, Goku could feel it coming. Between the mix of alcohol, physical activity, corn dogs, laughter, and huge meals, a certain feeling was developing in his gut. A very foreboding feeling indeed, as it didn't seem like just any of those feelings...no...it was going to be big...very big. Goku began sweating heavily as he realized that it was time to go!

Goku shakily got off the table, just as everyone had begun doing random things like rock paper scissors anyway. He attempted to walk, but his legs were quivering, he had to steady himself a few times on the furniture.

Goku only got a few steps in before Frieza saw he was leaving, "Hey Goku, where are you off to? You aren't calling it a night are you?"

Goku hurriedly looked back with a pained expression, he breathed in and out for a second before responding, "Sahhhhh I aint leasssinngg to BED! I jusssssssst g-g-g-g-gotta go to the bathroom!" He then turned around and continued walking. Unfortunately for our hero, Fate had other plans for him, as he tripped over himself and landed in a heap on the ground. Mirroring Zarbon's previous fall, Goku landed face-first with his ass in the air and even though it didn't hurt at all, he began crying uncontrollably!

"Kacarrot, pull yerself tgether beforrrrrrrrrrrr I MAKE YA!" Vegeta slurred out as he finished off another glass of the good stuff.

For some reason Goku found what Vegeta said to be really funny. He erupted into hysterics while still crying! The uncontrolled emotions spilling forth began knocking down his mental walls, he wouldn't be able to hold back the flood gates if this kept up! Realization dawning onto him, Goku attempted to do the worm maneuver in a futile attempt to get to the bathroom. The whole group gathered behind Goku and started laughing their asses off at his ridiculous antics.

Then it happened, the laughing, crying, wiggling, and previously mentioned factors all came to a boil, and Goku lost control.

"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Goku bellowed, as shit began flowing out of his ass! At first it started calm, like a small stream running out, but it soon turned into a full blown jet-powered river! Both liquid and solid shit began flinging out of his poop hole. Goku tried to lift his arms in order to clench his butt cheeks shut, but he didn't have the strength to keep the torrent of shit at bay. Meanwhile, his anal juices were still seeping out of his asshole, and they flew everywhere! They landed on the tables, chairs, floor, ceiling, walls, dishes, absolutely nothing was spared from its putrid wrath!

"Kakkarot what the FUCK-!" Vegeta attempted to scream out before he was coated in diarrhea, it was flung all over his body, even into his mouth! He began choking uncontrollably for very obvious reasons. Vegeta attempted to walk forward in order to maim Goku for this atrocity, but he slipped on a puddle of shit and fell backwards onto his ass! It was then that the smell hit our favourite Prince's nose, oh god, the smell! The stench was absolutely horrendous, Vegeta ferociously tried to to get the shit out of his mouth, but the task was completed for him when the smell finally registered in his system.

"BWAHHHHHHH!" Vegeta began projectile vomiting everywhere! A steady flow of light green, chunky soup-like textured fluid was spewed forth from Vegeta's gaping maw! Fortunately nobody but Broly was caught by this second wave of bodily fluids. Poor Broly had been coated in a solid layer of shit, and then the shit was covered by a layer of Vegeta's puke. Broly simply passed out, collapsing onto the floor from the combined shock and smell of the situation.

Meanwhile, Cell had been hit the brunt of Goku's crusty artillery bombardment. The shit had come out swinging, covering his face and upper body. After landing on his face, the excrement quickly dried and hardened, sealing his eyes shut! Due to his drunken state, Cell wasn't able to think coherently enough to use his Ki sense, so he just flailed around trying to get his bearings. Unfortunately, his left arm clipped Frieza, who instinctively grabbed onto something, namely Cell, in an attempt to steady himself.

"Cell you piece of shit, GARGH!" Frieza coughed out as Cell fell on top of him. Although he was now below a shit covered Cell, his current situation had a hidden benefit, as Frieza was spared from Goku's anal assault!

Cell simply whimpered out, "Sorry Frieza *cough-cough-hack* I can't see!"

"Whatever, just stay there!" Frieza called back, not willing to tell Cell his true motives.

The toxic waste continued to pour from Goku's pooper, it sprayed itself all over poor Gohan. "DAD! ACK!" Was all he managed to get out before he was toppled over by a tidal wave of fecal matter, Gohan was pushed away from the room, down a hallway, and slammed into the front door. The Demi-Saiyan was briefly seen holding his breath for dear life under the shit brown lake as he desperately swam to the surface. The door managed hold for a moment before it gave way under the force of the chunky fluid. As the door broke open, a loud "PSHHHHHHH" could be heard as the bowel liquids/solids funneled out the door and into the meadow of the Son property.

You think Gohan had it rough? Zarbon was hit by a jet stream of pure diarrhea, and was flung back by the sheer force of the pillar of shit. He was pinned against the wall as the shit flew out as if it were a fire hose, a loud groaning noise was heard as the wall began to crack due to the rapid fire propulsion of the vile sewage. Finally, the wall gave out and Zarbon was thrown into the backyard, a wave of shit and debris following him out.

Trunks' drunken mind managed to register a golden opportunity to escape, as the brown barrage was currently aimed in Zarbon's direction. He quickly hobbled from one foot to the other and began climbing the stairs to retreat from the unstoppable onslaught. Unfortunately for our lavender haired time traveler, he slipped on a conveniently placed banana peel and tumbled back down the stairs, "FUCK!" was all he got out as his neck, head, and back were painfully smashed against the stairs. His head collided against the wall leading back into the living room, being forcefully jammed right into it, his face popping out the other side. Trunks' misfortune didn't end there though, as he was being forced to take a front row seat and watch the horror unfold. Trunks' prayers went unheard as Goku's asshole began to slowly turn to his direction, as if it were a controlled cannon!

"No! Goku! STOP!" Trunks tried to reason with his drunken friend as he attempted to free himself. It would've been a simple task to remove his head from the wall, if he hadn't of been drunk. Trunks took a blast of pure dookie head on, he could only shut his mouth and eyes and plead that it would end soon as his senses were irreparably violated. As sudden as it had started, it ended, and Trunks was able to breath again, much to his chagrin as the smell was absolutely repulsive!

As the catastrophe finally began to subside, one could finally begin to see the characters again. Goku had long passed out from what had happened, totally spent from the amount of energy it took to release all of that shit. Broly was out cold, a curled up heap on the ground surrounded by a puddle of shit. Vegeta was also passed out, he had thrown himself over a couch, stomach arching over the back of it, in an attempt to heave out the rest of his guts. Gohan was outside, unconscious and crying silently. Zarbon was also knocked out, having hit a tree on his shit-fueled ride into the backyard. Trunks, on the other hand was semi-awake, permanently scarred by what had happened to him. Lastly, Cell and Frieza were a pile on the ground, having had survived the carnage, they were the only ones left standing after the devastation.

As Frieza pushed Cell off of him, he stood up and got a full on sight of the cataclysm. There was only one fitting way to describe the scene: there was more feces then there was actual living room. Not even one spot of wall, ceiling, floor or furniture was left untouched by the bowel's uprising! Sickening splashing sounds could be heard as solid chunks of shit slid off the walls and splattered onto the floor. Neither of them were able to mutter a word, as their mental condition had deteriorated from witnessing this utterly revolting scene.

It was then that they heard ominous footsteps, and both Cell and Frieza looked at one another in silent acknowledgment of their inevitable doom. Chi-Chi stepped into what remained of the living room, she silently glanced at every section of the den. Her eyes landed on Trunks' head sticking through the wall, she looked back into the hallway to see the rest of his still form. As she looked into the hallway, she saw their lack of a front door, as if it had been ripped from the frame. She then turned back into the room and saw Goku's unconscious body, shit still dripping from his gaping asshole, and Vegeta hanging off of what was left of their large couch. Her eyes next landed on Broly curled up in the corner, next to the remains of the right wall of the living room. Finally her eyes landed on Cell and Frieza, both just staring off into space, as if they weren't all there.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Came Chi-Chi's long awaited response. She used her limited knowledge of flight to float up to Cell and Frieza.

"WHAT HAPPENED! WHERE'S MY LIVING ROOM?! WHERE'S MY FRONT DOOR?! WHERE'S MY WALL! " She angrily pointed to the aforementioned objects. Cell and Frieza only shivered in response. "YOU TWO ARE GOING TO PICK EVERYONE UP AND BRING THEM OUT BACK WHILE I START THE BATHTUB!" She floated towards the destroyed wall, out into the backyard, pausing to empty the contents of her stomach along the way. It was then that she saw the trail of shit, her eyes finding Zarbon crumpled against a tree unconscious.

Chi-Chi hurriedly started the tub, and went and grabbed every can of tomato sauce she had, pouring it into the bath. Cell and Frieza came out with every member of the household barring Goten (Who had woken up during the poker game and went upstairs to bed before the catastrophe struck). They precariously placed each person into the tub, Frieza himself then hopped in as Cell went to retrieve the last person, Zarbon. The tub was about one-eighth filled when Chi-Chi brought out a power hose and began spraying each person. Even the knocked out persons in a vain attempt to wake them.

As Chi-Chi left the two remaining crew members to clean themselves and the group, she wordlessly went back inside. Entering the hallway, she pressed a button on the wall connecting to the living room. The living room collapsed unto itself and returned to its capsule form. She then went and fetched another living room capsule and activated it. Once the replacement living room was out, she pressed another button and it connected itself to the hallway, looking as if nothing had happened. The only things beyond recovery were various family photos and momentos. Fortunately, Chi-Chi had already made copies of most of the important photos.

After the group was cleaned to an acceptable level (They still would need multiple showers in the coming days) Cell and Frieza put all of the passed out members into their respective bedrooms, with Trunks and Vegeta taking one of the guest rooms. Chi-Chi marched up to the duo as they closed the guest room door, "Now guess what you two are doing? Cleaning up the hallway and replacing my door! And I don't want to hear any complaints or I'll get Goku to call that Yemma guy!" They walked back downstairs and got to work.

_The Next Day_

Goku walked downstairs, finally having recovered from last night's drunken escapades. As he walked down into the kitchen to scope out what was for breakfast, he came face to face with a fuming Chi-Chi.

"Goku! After what happened last night, I expect you to man up and take responsibility for the actions of our new guests! Last night was an utter disaster and it took me hours to clean up that absolutely disgusting mess!"

"What on Earth are you talking about Chi-Chi?!"

"Don't you remember anything Goku? The nerve! If you hadn't been drunk off your ass you would've realized what you were doing."

"Well, stop beating around the bush and just tell me what happened already!" Just as Goku finished, Gohan took that moment to enter the kitchen and answer the question for Chi-Chi.

"You got completely wasted last night dad, after Frieza spiked your drink. Everyone was laughing about some stupid joke, and then you said you had to go to the bathroom REAL bad. As you got up to go, you tripped over yourself and fell on the ground with your ass hanging in the air-"

"Gohan! Language!" Chi-Chi scolded.

"Sorry. Anyway, after you tripped, you started laughing and crying uncontrollably. And then..And then...Jeez I don't even want to re-imagine what happened..."

"C'mon son, just get it out."

"...You started emptying your bowels..." Goku's face paled.

"Everywhere...There was shit everywhere, it came out like a geyser dad, it was horrid. I'd never seen someone's bowel movements go with such intensity...It was utterly revolting dad. You plastered the whole room in shit, and covered everyone too. You just sat there half crying/half laughing as poo was funneling out of your ass."

"Gohan!"

"Mom it must be said!"

Goku looked like he had seen a ghost. How embarrassing. Fortunately, Chi-Chi revealed to Goku that although he was the one who committed the atrocity, he wasn't the cause of it. Therefore, his wife was expecting him to dole out punishments to the Hell-Gang for their misdeeds. Frieza for spiking Goku's drink and causing the wretched scene. Zarbon for molesting Gohan. Broly for what he did at the dinner table. And finally, much to Gohan's chagrin, Cell for raping Vegeta and Trunks.

"This isn't fair! Nobody understands Cell!" Gohan shouted, "Now is the time I become full of angst and hatred and run away from home!" So just like that, he went through on his cliché character development and ran out the door.

"Should we go after him?" Goku asked.

"Nah, he'll come around once he fully comes to terms with his role in this Fic."

"Alright."

"Anyway, Goku, I'm leaving the punishments up to you. I expect you to come up with something for each one of those...strange...friends...to do as penance for what they've done. You need to put your foot down and show them that fooling around like this won't get them anywhere in their second chance at life." Goku nodded in understanding, Chi-Chi had a point. Besides, it was going to be fun coming up with some ridiculous shit each of them would have to do to pay for their transgressions. Goku rubbed his hands together in anticipation as a strange and foreign look crossed his face.

"Goku are you alright?"

"Yes...Fine...Just fine."

"Right well anyway, no breakfast for you until you've sent those 4 miscreants to their respective duties, whatever it is you come up with in that weird little head of yours!"

"Awww Chi-Chi! No breakfast? I won't be able to come up with some sickeningly sadisti-I mean-fair punishments on an empty stomach!"

"Alright, you can have a muffin, is that good enough?" Chi-Chi relented.

"Yea! Thanks hun!" Goku walked over and gave his wife a big kiss on the lips as she gave him a chocolate chip muffin.

"Good luck Goku! Oh and please go and wake up Goten while you're at it."

"OK!" With that last comment, Goku turned and ran up the stairs. He decided to go and wake up Goten first since that would be the easiest.

"Goten! Breakfast!" Goku called as he knocked on the door. He had of course said the magic word, so Goten burst through the door and bolted down the hall and into the kitchen. With that out of the way, Goku turned on the heel of his foot and walked down the new extension added onto the house just for their guests.

The extension was rather basic in principle and design. It attached to the far end of the upstairs of the back house (The Son home was a spherically shaped kitchen attached to two traditional wooden houses, one was attached to the back and the other from the right), it attached itself as a hallway. The Hell-Gang resided at the end of the hallway in a sort of mini-home that was similar in shape to the kitchen. The only difference between the two was the latter's lack of certain conveniences such as a dedicated kitchen, since the Hell-Gang would just eat with the Sons anyway. The end of the connection opened up into the main upstairs room which branched off into four rooms, one for each of the occupants. The ground floor contained the bathroom along with a living room which had a simple TV setup on the wall and some basic furniture. Essentially, the entire add-on home was one big room with the upstairs overlooking the living room. A railing ran along the inner circle of the second floor, with a staircase opening from the outside wall to connect the main floor with the second.

After exiting the connected hallway, Goku looked at the first door on his door had a name plate bolted to it that simply read "Cell". The Saiyan walked up and (very) lightly knocked on the door.

"What?"

"Hey Cell, it's me, Goku!"

"I suppose you're expecting me to invite you inside?"

"Sure if it's not a problem!"

"Come in." Goku opened the door and looked around. The entirety of Cell's room was painted a dark green colour. The walls were sparsely covered by a generic painting and a poster that had a picture of a prison block and read "Megadeth, Endgame". Slowly scanning the room, starting from the left side, Goku's eyed landed on a closet in the corner, followed by a wooden desk with a computer set-up on it. A wheelie chair sat in front of the desk and a window opposite to the door to the right of it. Below the window was a small dresser, a few knick-knacks laid on top like some CD cases, a stack of paper, and a container full of pencils and pens. On the right side there was Cell's bed, with Cell perched on it in a basic meditative pose, not unlike Piccolo's.

Cell slowly opened his magenta eyes and looked at Goku.

"What can I do for you on this fine day, Goku?"

"Hey Cell, I just thought I'd drop by and tell you Chi-Chi's almost finished with breakfast, though I'm not sure you'll get any because of what happened last night." Cell shivered at the memory, deciding against commenting on it, allowing Goku to continue.

"Chi-Chi has decided that I should hand out punishments to you four because of the various 'situations' that have gone down. Don't worry! It won't be anything TOO bad, we just need to set an example for acceptable behaviour in the future, alright?"

After a moment's pause, Cell decided to comment, "Very well, what did you have in mind? And what am I being punished for?"

"Chi-Chi said it was for raping Vegeta and Trunks."

"Hey it was only rape with Vegeta, and he had it coming. Trunks was completely consensual."

"Regardless, what you did to Vegeta was wrong, no matter how bad he is."

Cell rolled his eyes at the Saiyan's impeccable morals, but decided to drop it. "Alright, what's my punishment?"

"I've been thinking of something that would keep you busy while at the same time keep you out of trouble. I decided to speak to Piccolo quickly through telepathy and he agreed to allow you to come with him as he does a patrol."

"Since when does Piccolo patrol?"

"Well, he just flies around once in a while to check for suspicious activity. That's what he tells me anyway."

"Fair enough, it doesn't sound too bad, how long am I expected to help him?"

"At least until the end of the day, longer depending on your performance." With that Goku waved Cell farewell after telling him to meet Piccolo on the lookout at noon.

After exiting Cell's room, Goku walked to the left, circling around the house and arriving at the next room. The name plate on the door read "Lord Frieza's domain, peasants and monkeys are not allowed". Goku chuckled at the comically long sign and knocked on the door.

"The mighty Lord Frieza is currently not allowing an audience, speak to one of the lowly peons for your meager needs."

"Frieza it's me, let me in." Goku sighed.

"Monkey? What do you want? Haven't you read the sign? Well actually, I suppose it would be asking too much of you to have a basic education!"

"Alright Frieza I get the point, open the door before I break it down!"

A loud exasperated sigh was heard before Frieza mumbled 'Come in'. Goku walked in and observed Frieza's so called 'domain'. Goku opened the door and was greeted with the sound of a song being played on a sleek looking top of the line stereo system sitting on top of a smooth almost alien looking dresser. The song wasn't particularly loud, but Goku was able to make out some of the lyrics; "FRIEZA, FRIEZA, FRIEZA, FRIEZAAAA-", the singer was abruptly cut off as Frieza pushed the pause button.

"What did you wish to see me for, Saiyan?"

Goku decided to peer around the room before answering him, as it was his first time setting foot in Frieza's room. It was a large room, larger than Cell's, the basic motif was reminiscent of Frieza's royal bridge aboard his ship. Regal and pristine would be two words to describe Frieza's room. Although Goku knew it to be impossible, the room appeared to be made of the same metals that Frieza's ship was. It was a very good imitation. The plain white metal was perfectly smooth, and was impeccably clean, Goku was able to see light reflecting off of the walls from the small, circular window across from the door. Stuck to his walls were various posters from a band called Maximum The Hormone. A huge cardboard box cut out to look like a chair consumed the entirety of the left side of the room. Above the chair, a cardboard sign was loosely hooked up to the wall with a nail, it read "Frieza's Throne". The rest of the room was rather plain, with some basic necessities like a nightstand with a desk lamp sitting on it. Beside the nightstand was Frieza's bed, it took up the right side of the room.

"I see you are basking in the magnificence of my dwelling? It's not of the same caliber as I'm used to, but its still being worked on. Now are you going to answer me, or are you just going to gawk all day?"

"Right, sorry. I came to speak to you because Chi-Chi wants me to hand out punishments for your various misdeeds."

"And you think you have the right to punish ME? Lord Frieza?!"

"Well I have to, if you want to continue living here on Earth, you need to be able to bend to its social customs."

"What am I being punished for? If it's because of that scene at the amusement park, I refuse to be punished from that! That fat faggot deserved it!"

"Nononono, not because of that! Although I don't approve, you weren't the one that started that. You're being punished for getting me drunk without my consent, you deceived me! I thought you were being a nice guy giving me that orange juice."

"Yea yea Goku, I'm so evil for trying to get you to have fun."

"Let's get realistic here, you were trying to get me to have fun at my own expense."

"My, I didn't think you had this good a vocabulary Saiyan, perhaps you aren't as dim witted as everyone believes."

"W-Well...I'm just not good at the stuff you learn at school, ya know? But I know how to speak...hehehe...Anyway...I've decided your punishment will be to go to Capsule Corporation, Vegeta lives there so you can use him as an anchor for Instant Transmission, ask Vegeta what he'd like you to do around the place."

"Do around the place?"

"Yea, I asked him if he could come up with some general labour for you to do like cleaning the place and such."

"You expect me to do labour befitting of a servant?! I will not stand for this insult! I am LORD Frieza! Emperor of the galaxy, conqueror of solar systems, destroyer of worlds! I will not become the menial servant to a monkey prince of a dead race!"

"Frieza that's exactly what you're missing! That's my point, don't you see?"

Frieza was absolutely dumb founded by Goku's sentence, he could only reply with, "Huh?"

"You WERE the emperor of the galaxy, conqueror of solar systems, destroyer of worlds. You also slaughtered millions of innocent lives for your own selfish desires. You sought immortality and absolute rule over all you deemed beneath you. You were given a second chance at life, you're no longer that brutal heartless monster, I'm hoping this small task might begin to open your heart again. Humility is a very important feeling to understand, it'll help you turn over a new leaf, see the universe in a different light! There's so many beautiful things out there, things you would've destroyed in your past life without a second thought. There's more to existence than might, what would've happened if you had conquered everything there was to conquer? What purpose would your life have had after that? You would've been left with an empire that only bent onto their knee out of fear, not respect. You'd never have anyone you could truly trust. Someone you can rely on, someone that you would be there even when there's no hope left. After I defeated you on Namek, I was forced into more battles with terrible people. We had to go on to fight the Androids and Cell, Cell was the most powerful foe I've ever fought. When I realized I couldn't beat him, I turned to my son, Gohan, who I knew had the power within him, I knew he could beat Cell. Deep down, Gohan knew he could too. He trusted my judgment when I asked him to fight Cell in my steed, and in the end, he won. What would you have done if you were in my place? Do you think, that if you couldn't have beaten Cell, any of your minions would have fought in your place? Do you think the Ginyu Force would've? Or Zarbon and Dodoria? I'll tell you, they wouldn't have. They'd run away the second they realized you couldn't win and would've left you for dead! My friends and family would stand by me no matter what, even when it seems like we have no chance at winning. I'd do the same for them anytime, I was prepared to die for the Earth when I went up against Cell at his tournament. That's what I'm trying to impart onto you, the values of life. You don't have to gain loyalty through superiority or fear, if you build your relationship on the basis of mutual trust and respect, you'll have someone that's willing to fight for you at any cost, no matter the situation." Goku stopped, and let the room go silent for a moment after his monumental speech, he let the words he spoke sink into Frieza's mind.

Frieza was silent for a moment as he contemplated Goku's words. After a few minutes of silence, Frieza looked up and stared right into Goku's face, "I feel bad for all the readers that had to read that wall of text! Anyway, you're telling me that doing meaningless labour for some stuck up prince is going to teach me morals and values of life?"

Goku face-palmed at that, "Well yea, it's the little things that add up to change who a person is. For example, Vegeta came to accept the idea of working as a team through the fight against Cell. To be perfectly honest, Gohan would've lost against him if Vegeta hadn't have intervened. Gohan took a hit for Vegeta and saved his life, even when Gohan had nothing to gain from doing it. Does that help?"

"Hmm..I don't really grasp the point. I still don't get how any of this should hold any meaning to me."

Goku sighed, "Hopefully you'll understand later. Anyway, that's what you're doing, got it?"

"Very well, but this is the only time I'm doing something like this for you."

"We'll see, anyway, that's all I had to say. See you later, Frieza!" And with that, Goku turned, opened the door, and left Frieza's room.

Goku continued circling around the room, heading left again going past the stairwell that represented the half-way line between the two sides of the upstairs. He walked up to the third bedroom's door, which simply had "Broly" roughly scrawled onto it. Goku shrugged, gathering his wits, and knocked on the door.

"Enter." Came the gruff and simple response of the room's owner. Goku took it all in stride and opened the door. What he came face to face with scarred him for the rest of his life. Adorning the walls were posters of grotesque figures, each one featuring a pony of various size and colour, with wings. One such example was a pink pony flying towards the sunset with a rainbow appearing behind it. Goku's left eye twitched as he looked at the posters with various images of these horses, each one was labeled with the logo "My Little Pony" on the bottom. Sitting below two of these posters situated on the left side of the room, a candle-lit shrine with various plush dolls and such from this franchise were precariously placed. Next to the shrine on the right, sat the first normal thing Goku had seen in Broly's room, a simple beanie chair sat in the far left-hand corner. To the right, below the window, a plain desk was placed with a lamp and computer on it. A dresser was to the right of the desk, and finally the decor ended with Broly's bed being at the far right end of the room.

Goku slowly turned his head to look at Broly, who was currently sitting in his desk chair, dead on.

"What the actual FUCK?!" Was Goku's rather uncharacteristic response to the scene.

Broly began sweating profusely, "I-I w-w-w-w-was b-browsing this p-p-planet's 'Internet'." Broly motioned quotes with his fingers at the last word before continuing, "A-and...I-I-I..."

"You what? Spit it out!"

Broly swallowed and then spewed it all out in one hurried breath, "I came across these pictures, and it was love at first sight! I-I know it's weird! Please don't judge me!" As he finished, he hung his head down in shame.

Goku's response was quick and remorseless, he systematically tore down each of the posters and ripped them to pieces, making sure Broly bore witness to the act.

"I won't judge you if you clean up your act! I won't have you living in or near my home with such shameful tastes. I don't want you corrupting my children, got it?"

"Yessir!"

"Good, now onto what I came here to talk to you about." Goku sat down on the foot of Broly's bed and continued, "You see, Chi-Chi is asking me to go around and extend punishments to each of you four for your various shenanigans. Nothing too serious, we just don't want to set a bad example by letting this go unchecked, OK?"

Broly sighed, "Alright, what am I being punished for? And what's the punishment?"

"Well I was originally going to punish you for the dinner table fight, but I decided to just generalize your various acts into one punishment: you are being punished for being a faggot. That is all. Your punishment will be to volunteer at non-profit organization. I'll leave it up to you to work out something you'd like to work at."

Broly started sniffling, and tears began flowing from his eyes, "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME! WUAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Goku just turned around and walked away before the situation escalated any further. _'Who knew Broly could be such a sensitive person? Anyway, just this last room...Zarbon's...I have a sinking feeling it's going to be the worst yet.'_ Just as he pulled himself out of his thoughts, Goku had arrived at his destination. He slowly peered up to see what the sign on Zarbon's door said; 'Zarbon's Love Den.' Goku visibly gulped as he read that name. Deciding to bite the bullet, he slowly knocked on the door.

"Come innnnnnnn~" Zarbon purred out as Goku turned the doorknob. No amount of mental preparation could have allowed Goku to foresee what was in Zarbon's room. The entire room was dimly lit, it's only light source coming from two red light lamps that sat next to each side of his bed. Speaking of which, the bed took up the majority of the room, and was heart shaped. On the left wall were various 'tools' used for S&amp;M, bondage, etc. Various sex toys were strewn about on a wide table placed beneath the 'tools'. Sitting in the corner to the far left of the bed, a dresser was placed with a stereo system on top. The stereo was currently playing 'Yello - Oh Yeah' on full blast. Dangling from the roof of the room was a currently unlit disco ball. To the right, sitting on a nightstand, were various things such as a butt plug, many bottles of lubricant, and boxes of tissue paper. Next to the nightstand was a garbage pail overflowing with used tissue paper. On the right wall were various posters of famous gay porn stars and the like. _'While I've got nothing against him, this is pretty gross.' _Goku thought to himself.

"Hmm...I was expecting Gohan, but if you want to join in on a session all you had to do was ask Goku. So are you game?" Zarbon licked his lips and then seductively crawled towards Goku.

"Uhh...While the offer is tempting, I'll have to decline. You see I've just come to tell you that Chi-Chi wants me to punish you four for what's happened over the past day."

"Oh my, you can punish me any time you want Goku, you don't need a reason." Zarbon said as he reached under the bed and pulled out a whip.

"That won't be necessary, Zarbon. But thanks anyway. As punishment for...Doing it with my son, you have to rake our lawn."

Zarbon beamed up at this supposed 'punishment', "That's all?"

"With your teeth. And no using powers either." Goku finished.

"Well that can't be too bad, how big is your property?"

"You'll be raking about two hectares worth of space." Upon seeing Zarbon's confused face about the unit of measurement Goku used, he decided to simplify it, "In other words, you'll be at it for a while."

Zarbon's facial expression soured at that last sentence. "Hey, the earlier you get started, the earlier you'll finish, right?"

"I suppose you're right, I'll be down in a minute." Goku nodded his head, then turned around and left. As he shut the door behind him, a feeling washed over the Saiyan warrior. _'This is going to be a long day, isn't it?'_

_**Will Goku's punishments for the Hell-Gang go as planned? Does Piccolo actually patrol? Will Goku ever live down what happened last night? How will Goku deal with Broly's apparent obsession? Can Goku save Gohan from Zarbon/Cell? Does Gohan want to be saved? Speaking of Gohan, will he ever come to terms with the fact he's full of angst? What diabolical plans does Vegeta have for Frieza's punishment? Will Zarbon be able to rake the lawn? What happened to Trunks anyway? Could this chapter be any longer? **__**Find out next time, on the next exciting chapter of Broken, Beaten, and Clogged!**_

_**A/N: Done, finally. Originally I was going to have the drinking scene and the punishments all in one chapter, but it was long enough already. Expect to see the punishments and something else I'll cook up in the next chapter! Again, sorry for the long delay.**_


	5. Christmas Special: Yo-Ho-Ho

_**A/N: **_

_**I don't own Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball GT or anything like that, they all belong to Akira Toriyama, Toei, etc. I don't own any other characters in this story, except some shitty OC's I might throw in for the laughs.**_

**"Speech"**

_**'Thoughts'**_

**(Author Comments or Clarification)**

***Blah Blah* = either an Action or some other bullshit like Saiyan Bonds**

_**Jingle Bells, Broly smells **_

_**Zarbon ate a dick!**_

_**Cell and Frieza grabbed a car**_

_**But The Author got away!**_

_**On this LATE special of Broken, Beaten, and Clogged, our favourite gang will be celebrating Christmas! What sort of shenanigans will our heroes get themselves into? Will The Hell Gang find out the spirit of Christmas? Does Frieza believe in Santa? Will The Author get tonnes of presents? Find out on this chapter of Broken, Beaten, and Clogged!**_

_ Christmas Special: Yo-Ho-Ho_

"I change it to spades." Gohan said as he placed down his card. He, Cell and Zarbon were currently playing some Crazy Eights at the Son's dinner table. The windows were white as the entirety of the outside was covered in snow. Unfortunately the snow hadn't packed yet, so the group was wasting time until they were able to go out and enjoy the weather.

Cell smirked at the suit change, he placed down the Two of spades.

"Last card." Cell spouted in triumph as Zarbon was forced to pick up two more cards. Zarbon sighed at the junk he had picked up as he shivered. "Bah, it's so cold on this planet now. It reminds me of Frieza's home planet, I hated that place. I hate the cold!"

Zarbon placed down the Nine of spades as Gohan decided to ask, "Why do you hate the cold?"

"Well it means I have to cover up my beautiful body, I get to show off next to none of my skin! It annoys me to no end, my figure simply must be basked at you know!" Cell rolled his eyes.

Gohan decided to try to help him out, "You know Zarbon, you should make the best of things! Wear clothes that suit your style and you can get others' attention in a different way. You don't have to be naked to be beautiful you know."

Zarbon seemed to be thinking about what Gohan had said. "But if I wanted to get some new outfits, I'd need money. And I don't have much of that at all."

Gohan placed down the Ten of spades before continuing, "Well that's an easy fix! It's almost time for Christmas, maybe you should write up a wishlist!"

"What's 'Christmas'?" Zarbon asked perplexed.

Cell smirked at his confusion, "It's a ridiculous Earth holiday in which you buy each other gifts. Some of the inhabitants believe in a fictional being known as Santa Claus that comes and delivers presents to kids that 'have been good' for the whole year, it's a total-"

"Santa Claus ISN'T FICTIONAL!" Gohan yelled standing up.

"Don't be absurd! Of course he's fictional!" Cell screamed back, also standing up.

"What's going on?" Goku asked as he walked into the room.

"Daaaaad! Cell says that Santa Claus is fictional! Tell him he's wrong!" Goku turned to Cell with a frown on his face.

"Cell! Of course Santa is real! What's your problem? Every year he delivers us presents! First he flies over the house with his magic sled led by his reindeer, then he parks on the roof. He comes down the chimney, then he eats and drinks the cookies and milk we leave for him! After that he gives his reindeer the outmeal we put out for them! Once he's finished with that, he sets down all the presents for Gohan, Chi-Chi and I! Then he climbs back up the chimney and leaves for the next house!" Gohan was nodding the whole time at Goku's explanation.

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Santa isn't real! He doesn't bring you presents, it's probably your wife wrapping them up and labeling them as from Santa in order to keep this delusion up!" Goku gasped at this accusation, absolutely stunned into silence. Gohan took things far worse, and started sobbing loudly.

"Jeez Cell now look what you did, you should apologize." Zarbon said as he tried to comfort Gohan.

"I refuse! He isn't some little kid; he'll get over it. Besides the truth must be said! Obviously Goku is too immature to take on the responsibility of telling Gohan what really happens on this holiday."

Gohan's crying intensified. "I hate you Cell! I never want to see you again! You should go back to Hell where you belong!" He pulled himself from Zarbon's embrace and ran from the room. Stomping could be heard as he climbed the stairs before a loud slam indicated that his door had been shut. Silence permeated throughout the room for a good minute before Goku finally cleared his throat.

"You know how he's been lately Cell, you shouldn't have done that. I know Santa isn't real, but Gohan's always been a big believer, so I play along. Even though he's fourteen he hasn't had much of a childhood so we try to go easy on him. Maybe you should go up and apologize, I'm gonna go see what Chi-Chi's cooking in the kitchen!" With that, Goku turned and left the room. All throughout the situation, Zarbon had a shit-eating grin spread across his face.

Cell was not amused. "The fuck are you smiling about?"

"Oh nothing...If you aren't able to comfort him, I'm sure I'LL be able to!" Zarbon winked.

Cell's frown deepened. "You stay away from him, UNDERSTAND!?"

Zarbon dramatically put the back of his hand onto his forehead, "I'll try my hardest Cell, but you know how love is! He might not be able to keep his hands off me!"

"YOU SON OF A BITCH! GOHAN DOESN'T LOVE YOU, KEEP YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF OF HIM!" Zarbon just snickered before pirouetting out of the room while humming to himself.

"Later Cell! I'm off to research more about this 'Christmas'!"

Cell was left alone in the dining room, wallowing in his own misery. The only light he had at the end of this tunnel was the knowledge that he would've won that game of Crazy Eights. He needed to find a way to get back onto Gohan's good side. But the million dollar question was: how? Even his all-knowing android brain was pulling up a blank. Perhaps Frieza had an idea? Settling on this solution, he begrudgingly decided to ask the ex-tyrant for some help. He put two fingers on his forehead and concentrated...

"What the fuck! Cell! Get out of here this instant!" Frieza bellowed as his ass exploded on the toilet.

"Dear lord that stinks! Frieza, what the hell has gotten into you?! Or rather, what the hell has come OUT of you?!" Frieza merely sighed at this strange turn of events. Cell had IT'd directly into the bathroom of the Hell Gang's house, just as Frieza was of course dropping a deuce.

"Obviously I reacted badly to something that I ate, I've been pinching this shit in for like two days straight. Not all of us are _perfect_." Frieza sneered the last word as he reached for some toilet paper. He stood up and wiped his ass, sighing in relief that it was clean, he flushed. "Man I love it when it's clean, a classic Dine-N-Dash. Now what do you want?"

"I seem to have a problem, and I require your expertise in order to remedy it."

Frieza's eyes widened considerably before he burst out laughing. "You're asking ME for help!? My what an honour! I thought the mighty Cell, with the knowledge of all the GREATEST fighters in the universe – including yours truly – was capable of solving ANY problem? So what help would a mere _mortal_ such as myself be able to provide?"

"For your information, I was infused with your techniques and capabilities, such as your raw intelligence. Although I hold memories and traits of your personality, I am not you. If you get what I mean. I require your experience in a field I have little in."

Frieza scoffed at this new information, but was sufficiently intrigued, "And what pray tell would that be?"

"Don't worry, I don't need advice at sucking dick, there's another aspect of life you have more knowledge in than myself."

"You must have some of Zarbon's genes in you, to be pulling out lines like that. Now out with it already you annoying bug."

Cell looked slightly uncomfortable for a moment before he just decided to go with it, "Romance."

"Hah! What makes you think I have any more experience in that than you do?"

"Well you've been around a lot longer than myself, so it makes sense that you've had some sort of romantic encounter before."

Frieza considered just blowing Cell off and telling him to shove it, but he thought about what the uses of having Cell in his debt could provide. "Very well, it's true, I have had my fair share of experiences over the years. Arranged marriages, a few stints, plundering booty, et cetera. What do you need help with?"

"Well it appears I've upset the kid, and I need to get back into his good graces. He currently doesn't want to see me any more. I have no idea what to do about the situation. He hates me. Do you have any suggestions?"

"Well what made him so angry? Understanding the situation can help you find a way to get back on to his good side."

"I told him there's no such thing as Santa Claus, and for the record, there ISN'T! I was only telling the truth!"

"Who or what is that, some religious symbol or something? I didn't know the monkeys had religion. You should know how touchy people get about subjects like that."

Cell shook his head, "No no no, he's just some dumb icon for a holiday the Earthlings celebrate, it's called Christmas. The long and the short of it is he's supposed to be some fat old man who eats way too much and spends all his time thinking about children, and what gifts he should give them and their parents. If the little boys and girls have been well behaved all year, Santa gives each and every one of them special presents. Santa brings his big sack with him as he forces himself into every child's home on the planet. He completes his nocturnal task by riding his magic sleigh piloted by magic flying reindeer. To deposit his presents he comes down the children's chimneys and inserts them under their holiday wood, I think they call it a 'Christmas Tree'."

Frieza's eyebrows had been steadily rising with each passing sentence Cell churned out. By the end of it, he was strangely silent. "T-that's...Interesting...The Earthling's creativity is to commended I must say."

"That's putting it lightly! Listen to how ridiculous all that shit sounded! Flying reindeer? A fucking SLEIGH?! He spends every day for the whole YEAR making presents for a bunch of annoying brats? How does he make it to every house? How does he pack away all the snacks each of the millions of households leave for him?! It doesn't make any sense! How can someone so logical and smart like Gohan believe in something as preposterous as that!"

Frieza decided to ignore the irony in the fact that Cell just complimented the very Saiyan 'brat' that killed him and was expecting presents from this loony fabricated character. "See Cell that's your problem, maybe it isn't supposed to make sense. It's obvious he's supposed to be some magical figure for the kiddies to believe in. You clearly ruined that illusion for the object of your affection, and that upset him."

"Obviously, that's why I have this problem. Now how do I fix it?"

Frieza walked over to the sink and started to wash his hands. "Hmph, that's easy. You just have change your view on the subject." He turned the tap off and grabbed the hand towel.

Cell looked livid, "You mean you want me to believe in this stupid myth?! Why should I change MY stance on this legend?! Why can't he just accept the truth!"

Frieza shrugged, "If you think you can convince him, by all means be my guest. Clearly you aren't confident in your ability to do that or you wouldn't be here, now would you?"

Cell grit his teeth. "Grrr...Fine, whatever. Not like this matters too much anyway, this stupid holiday only comes once a year."

Frieza opened the door to the bathroom and on his way turned back to Cell, "I'm going to go try this drink called eggnog the Saiyan's harpy was telling me about. It's supposedly some special drink they only have this time of year, want to come try some with me?"

Cell waved him off, "Maybe later, for now I'm going to mull on how to approach this subject with the boy." With that, Frieza left the room, light footsteps could be heard as he ascended the stairs to head over to Son's side of the residence. Cell left shortly after him, still lost in thought he absentmindedly turned off the bathroom light as he walked up the stairs and around the house to enter his room.

_Meanwhile_

"Gohan's really upset and refuses to leave his room, what happened Goku?" Chi-Chi asked while cleaning some dishes. Goku was too busy stuffing his face full of home-baked cookies to notice her talking to him.

"GOKU!" Goku looked up, cookie crumbs falling out of his mouth as he spoke, "Huh, what was that Chi? I wasn't listening."

"Ugh, I can see that! I SAID; Gohan's been really upset, do you know what happened?" She hastily walked over to grab a broom and dustpan to clean up the crumby mess.

"Oh yeah, Cell told him Santa isn't real. It's really bummed Gohan out." Goku returned to his cookies as a frown caressed Chi-Chi's face.

"Goku, what are we gonna do? Our little boy's going to be all depressed and won't want to celebrate Christmas! You know how big a believer he is in that stuff. There's gotta be something we can do..."

_Back with Cell_

"LOOK! I SAID I'M SORRY! I DID RESEARCH AND CHECKED MY FACTS, SANTA IS REAL, OK?!" Cell had been smashing on Gohan's door trying to get him to come out, attempting to convince him he was in the wrong for the kid's sake.

"GO AWAY! It's OBVIOUS he isn't real, I'm just a stupid kid. If you want me to come out, PROVE he's real! Now leave me alone!" Gohan yelled back. Cell sighed in exasperation, how did this shit happen to him?

"Fine! I'll prove it then! You'll see!" With that he stomped away, having accomplished absolutely nothing. Frieza had failed him! He had to try a different approach...

"Uncle Cell, what's all the screaming about?" The young Goten had stepped out of his room, his wide-eyed demeanor was soaked with curiosity. "Nothing kid, I accidentally told Gohan that Santa isn't real. Now he is really upset with me. I tried to fix things but that obviously hasn't worked."

"But Santa is real! Why would you tell him he isn't? That doesn't make any sense."

"Well, I...Uh...Never mind. Look the point is that I was wrong. I got to find a way to prove to him that Santa is real or Christmas will be ruined." Goten gasped.

"No! Not Christmas! It's the best holiday in the world! You gotta fix things uncle!"

Now he was resorting to asking a child, "But how?"

"Well you should just ask Santa to say hi to Gohan! Santa wouldn't want to see him so sad." With that, Goten walked down the stairs. Once again Cell was lost in thought.

"It's so ridiculous it might just work. But I'll need some assistance." Cell walked with new purpose in his stride, he needed Goku and the others in on this if his plan was going to work.

_A little while later_

We find ourselves outside of Cell's room, hanging from the doorknob to said room was a roughly made sign that read; 'Meeting Taking Place, Do NOT DISTURB! - Cell' Let's see what our heroes are discussing?

Cell turned and looked around the room. "Alright, is this everyone?" Seated in various places around the room were Goku, Chi-Chi, Frieza, Broly, Zarbon, and Piccolo.

"Trunks and Vegeta aren't here yet. Are you sure they're coming?" Goku asked.

"Well you'd know better than I, you were the one that contacted them, no?" Cell responded.

"I contacted them? I thought Frieza was supposed to ask them."

"ME? I was told that was Broly's job! As if I'd be the messenger to some monkey prince!"

Broly was just as confused as everyone else, "I didn't tell them to come, I didn't know I was supposed to."

Cell face-palmed, "So nobody asked them? No wonder they aren't here! This is important! Get them here immediately, if not sooner!"

Piccolo cleared his throat, Cell turned to him, "What?"

"Why am I even here? This isn't my problem, you're the one that upset him! I shouldn't have to sit here and listen to you all ramble on about some stupid holiday!"

"You're here because I said you have to be here! Got it?" Cell screamed. Piccolo looked like he wanted to contest further, but Goku stood up. "I'll get them." With that he IT'd away. A few minutes passed before Goku reappeared with Trunks' hand on his one shoulder and Vegeta slung over the other.

"Kakarot what is the meaning of this?! Put me down this instant!"

"OK!" With that, Goku nonchalantly dropped Vegeta. "What was that for!"

Goku looked down at him, "You told me to put you down."

Cell's patience ran out as he realized where this was about to go, "Enough! We have more important things to discuss. Now you are all probably wondering why I called this meeting..."

"No, ninety percent of us know exactly why you called us here." Frieza piped in.

"Thank you for that, now shut up. Anyway, I called this meeting because we have a crisis. Gohan doesn't believe in Santa anymore and Christmas is going to be ruined!" Everyone was completely shocked, not at the 'crisis' as Cell referred to it as, but at Cell's complete turnaround on his viewpoints about Santa.

Frieza was the first to recover from the sensory overload, "Cell, it seems to me that you genuinely care about Gohan's lack of belief in this stupid fairy tale, mind elaborating on that?"

"Well if I'm going to believe in this for his sake, I might as well not half-ass it!" Everyone nodded at that logic.

Vegeta yawned, "Can we move this along? We're already three thousand words into this chapter and it's painfully obvious that I'm not going to get many lines! So I want this over with as quickly as possible!"

"Alright, alright! The point is that we need to find some way to bring the spirit of Christmas back into Gohan! Now let's start brainstorming people!"

Broly immediately jumped to attention, "I know! We should all sing Christmas carols to him! That will cheer him up for sure!"

Frieza looked exasperated, "Shut the fuck up Broly, that's a horrible idea! The kid doesn't believe in SANTA, not CHRISTMAS CAROLS! Can we get any decent suggestions?"

Piccolo was already tired of this bullshit, "Why don't you just apologize to him and tell him you were wrong? Seems obvious to me."

"BECAUSE, I already tried that. It didn't work. Pay attention, Piccolo we've been over this."

"No we-" "ANYONE ELSE!" Cell interrupted.

"I know!" Zarbon's silky smooth voice rang out as he hopped to his feet, "We should all make love to him one by one until he's completely exhausted and doesn't remember what he was mad about!"

Chi-Chi paled at this suggestion, "That's absolutely DISGUSTING! GOHAN IS MY SON! I'M NOT SHARING A BED WITH HIM, AND NEITHER IS GOKU!"

"So would it be ok if we just skipped everyone else and I just covered for all of you?" Zarbon tried to bargain. "NO!"

Trunks cleared his throat, "If you're all done bickering, I have a genuine suggestion." The room immediately fell silent as all eyes turned to him, he nervously gulped. "Why not dress up as Santa and pretend to drop off presents this Christmas Eve, just make sure Gohan sees you. This is our best shot because Gohan asked you to prove Santa's real." For what seemed like eternity, the room stayed quiet, until finally Cell said:

"It's so fucking stupid it just might work, Goten made a similar suggestion but I'd shot it down after some thought..Now though...I'll need a disguise...and some elves and reindeer." He turned towards the rest of the group with an evil glint in his eyes...

_Later...In the Evening..._

A fierce blizzard was raining outside of the Son's home as our heroes went over their ingenious plan to save Christmas. It was practically a whiteout as they attempted to put on some dopey looking Christmas themed costumes while discussing their idea.

"OK so let's go over the plan again. Cell will be sitting in the back of the sleigh with all of the junk disguised as presents in the big burlap sack. Everyone disguised as reindeer will fly by Gohan's window to ensure he sees us and complete the illusion, Frieza's telekinesis will keep the sleigh in the air. No doubt Gohan will come running to see if what he saw was real, Cell, Broly and Zarbon will climb down the chimney and drop the real presents off under the tree. You'll have to do your best acting to make sure Gohan doesn't recognize you and that you're a convincing Santa and Elves. Any questions?" Trunks looked over at the ragtag group attempting to put on various costumes.

"Yea I have one! There's only 4 of us disguised as reindeer, since Chi-Chi can't fly. Aren't there supposed to be 8 of them?" Goku asked as he counted his fingers.

"Piccolo is using his multi-form technique to reach the required 8, remember?" Goku nodded. "Alright, since that's cleared up, anything else?"

"YES! Why am I, the PRINCE of all Saiyans, stuck as some worthless animal?! Why can't I at least be the fat bearded man!" Cell facepalmed.

Goku quickly replied, "Because Vegeta, Cell caused this mess and now he's gotta take the reins to fix it all! He needs to be the one to do this!" Vegeta surprisingly just huffed and put on the reindeer head, "Whatever, let's just get this over with, I can't believe you actually managed to convince me to do this."

Piccolo on the other hand looked like he was ready to burst, "You think you have the right to complain Vegeta!? I not only have to WEAR this ridiculous getup, but I have to control four copies of myself as I do it! ALL of them are wearing it too! I'm only doing this for Gohan, if I EVER hear one you bring this up again, there'll be hell to pay! GOT IT!?" Everyone swiftly nodded in agreement.

"Alright, places everyone!" Trunks yelled as he put his reindeer head over his face. Everyone scurried into position, Chi-Chi hooked the reins up onto all of the 'reindeer', attaching them to the sleigh. "They don't even look like reindeer, this will never work!" Chi-Chi cried out. "Relax girl, they'll be too far away for Gohan to notice the difference." Cell reassured as he adjusted his beard, finishing up, he sat down on the seat of the sleigh and grabbed the reins. Broly and Zarbon jumped into the back of the sleigh and sat next to the sack of 'toys'.

"Alright, let's go!" Trunks yelled. Chi-Chi quickly moved out of the way as Cell whipped the reins for dramatic effect. Frieza sighed as he used his telekinesis to lift the sleigh into the air while all the reindeer simply used their ki to bring themselves up. "Wouldn't it be awesome if the rest of the gang were here to see us? I can't imagine what Krillin would think!" Goku's ever cheery voice whispered out to the real Piccolo, who was next to him.

"NO! I'd never live it down, now shut up Goku! I have to concentrate." Goku quickly faced back forward obediently, "Sorry."

Fortunately, the blizzard wasn't bad enough that our heroes couldn't see where they were going, so they directed the sleigh to go by Gohan's room's window.

"HO-HO-HO! HO-HO-HO!" Cell bellowed out in his best jolly old St. Nick impression, it was actually pretty convincing. The Santa wannabe used his Ki sense to detect whether Gohan had heard/seen him, and he had! Gohan's very large Ki signature was glued to his window, no doubt staring out at what must seem like Santa and his 8 trusty reindeer! Cell and the rest of the gang had to suppress their Ki signature to make sure Gohan wouldn't catch on that it was them. Frieza directed the sleigh to land on top of Goku's house, the angled wooden roof made it dicey but it managed to stay balanced precariously. Cell and his two elves carefully stepped out of the sleigh and grabbed the presents that were placed on top of the other crap in the sack. There were about two handfuls, presents of various shapes and sizes for each member of the Son family and all their friends. Cell, Broly, and Zarbon leapt across from the wooden side roof onto the curved roof of the Son kitchen. Chi-Chi had prepared the chimney and the area below it to ensure they could hop down it without destroying anything. Speaking of the loose cannon of a wife, she was positioned near the stairs to help if anything went awry. Cell and his minions all huddled around the chimney.

"Ready?" The other two nodded their assent. Cell pulled himself into position, and slowly floated down the chimney, sure to scrap his limbs against the sides to give on that he was climbing down. After a short wait, Broly and Zarbon followed him down in single file. Carrying a smaller version of the burlap sack sitting in the sleigh, Cell walked over to the big Christmas tree they had situated in the middle of the living room.

Cell quickly adjusted his disguise, which had multiple layers in order to cover up his wings, causing him to practically be boiling from the insulation of all the clothing. He was decked out from head to toe in red and white, making sure to show none of his skin except small bits of his face that weren't covered by his fake beard. To complete the effect, he even had various garments and pillows stuffed into his suit, in order to make him look fat. Broly and Zarbon weren't much better off, the main difference between their costumes and Cell's was the colour scheme, they wore green and white and didn't have fake beards. Instead, the duo had white face paint on in order to disguise their identities (Don't ask where they got that paint). Quick rhythmic thumping could be heard, signalling that Gohan was coming down the stairs. It quickly quieted down, Gohan must have realized the need to be stealthy. Although if the real Santa did run when he would be discovered, he'd be long gone by the time the boy slowed down. _'This is it'_ Cell thought to himself as he cleared his throat, his prepared manner of speech rehearsing through his head.

Gohan slowly crept down the rest of the flight of stairs and situated himself to hide behind the door frame to the living room. He leaned his head to peer into the room, and silently gasped at what he saw. There in the center of the room, pulling presents from a sack, was Santa Claus! Gohan's eyes widened considerably as he realized Santa wasn't alone, he had brought two helper elves with him! _'Our house must be special to him or something!'_

As Gohan was completely in shock over what he was witnessing, he didn't realize that he'd been seen gawking. "Santa," Came Zarbon's squeaky elf-voice, "It seems we've been caught!" Gohan looked like he would faint as Santa slowly turned around and looked at the young lad, the jolly old man was taller then Gohan imagined but just as plump as the legends said.

"Hah! It seems we have, Zarby! Ho-Ho, now what is someone your age doing up at this time of night?!" Santa-Cell said as he put his hands on his hips in mock disapproval.

"S-S-Santa, I'm fourteen years old! I can stay up this late!" Came Gohan's meek reply as he blushed furiously at being discovered.

"Now now Gohan, what would your mother think of you being up this late and spying on 'ol Santa Claus?"

If Gohan's eyes could get any wider, they would, "You know my name?!" Cell briefly panicked, but his fast acting android brain thought of a recovery, "Of course, I know every child's name, and of course whether they've been naughty or nice! Why, your younger brother Goten is sleeping upstairs right this minute, wondering about what gifts I'm going to leave for him!" As if on cue, Santa-Cell pulled a medium box-shaped gift from the sack labeled 'To Goten, From Santa' and placed it under the tree.

"I'm sorry for interrupting you Santa, thanks for stopping by though! I was worried you wouldn't come..." Santa-Cell's eyebrows furrowed, this was his chance!

"And what made you think that?"

Gohan was silent for a while, before almost inaudibly mumbling, "My friend said that you didn't exist, and that made me stop believing you'd come. I was worried that I'd never be able to celebrate Christmas again because the image had been ruined for me."

Santa looked inquiringly at the teen. "Well what I mean is, I'd have to pretend that you still existed, even with doubt in my head, because of Goten. It'd just never be the same...But now that I know you're really here, everything's good! I'll go back to bed!"

Just as he was about to leave, the Santa impostor stepped forward and put a gloved hand on Gohan's shoulder. Gohan slowly turned around, "Now young man, what kind of Christmas spirit is that? The spirit of Christmas is the spirit of giving! I'm seen as a figure across the world for a reason to give, so what if I didn't really exist? Parents would still buy gifts for their children and label them as 'From Santa'. I'm seen as a figure across the world who gives out to those who are also willing to give and help, AKA, those that are nice. The point of Christmas is not about whether I exist or not to give out gifts, but rather pass down the tradition of selflessness and giving to the next generation. The legend of Santa Claus is how that tradition is passed down. Do you understand?" Gohan slowly nodded. "Good, now hurry along you, it's almost midnight! You don't want me to tell your parents what you were up to, do you?" The teen bolted out of the room and up the stairs. When he was sure the eldest demi-Saiyan was out of earshot, he audibly sighed.

"Commendable performance 'Santa', now finish up and go, I'm practically cooking in here!" The trio hurriedly put down the rest of the gifts, and flew up the chimney. When they landed on the roof, they scampered back to the sleigh.

The snowstorm had hit its peak, the wind howled around them. "Finally! Do you know how cold it is out here? Let's just finish up this stupid act!" The Saiyan prince yelled out as Santa and his two helpers climbed back into their ride. Cell signalled to Frieza, who lifted them up they once again purposefully flew by Gohan's window, "HO-HO-HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!" Cell screamed as the sleigh rode off into the night!


End file.
